When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

We bee-long together.

Were you raised in captivity? Because you captured my heart.

If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies

I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.

Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.

Why did the blonde take a ruler to bed? Because she wanted to measure how long he slept.

Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’;
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.

Hey babe, I want tibia your Valentine!

I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.

Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.

Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!

You’re the only (cutie) pie I need.

Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.

Are you sure we haven’t had a class together before? I could have sworn that we had chemistry together.

“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”

What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher

Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.

I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!

An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"

How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.

"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."

- Cindy Garner.

What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.

There was this guy who was married to a blonde, and each night he came home with a new blonde joke.
One night the wife got mad and decided to show him that she wasn't dumb.
She spent the whole next day learning all her states and capitals.
That night when he got home he told his joke.
She says, "I'm not so dumb. I know all of the states and capitals. Go ahead, quiz me."
He thought for a moment and asked, "What is the capital of Massachusetts?"
She quickly replied, "M"!

Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!

What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!

What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!

Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at C!

What is a cat’s favorite horror movie? The Purrrge!

What key on the keyboard is truly out of this world?
The spacebar.

Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.

You’ve really Penelopeaked my interest

What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance

How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.

In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.

What does the Tour de France and Amsterdam have in common?
They both have a bunch of people on drugs riding around on bikes.

Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.

Where do the mushroom family keep their umbrellas, coats and shoes? In their porch-ini!

"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."

After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”

I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?

“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”

- Robert Brault.

Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.