Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
I’d like to buy a catamaran or a yacht.
I’d like to get the best of boat words.
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
It’s raining cats and dogs outside.
I think I just stepped in a poodle.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
Wow, two teaspoons? Lucky for you, I’m a pretty good spooner myself.
My kid was having trouble with the peanut butter because the jar was too deep and the knife was too short
I tried to help, but I couldn’t get to the bottom of it
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
What do you think is a frog’s favorite summertime treat?
Hopsicles!
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
I'm a little upset, folks. Last night I went to this new restaurant for dinner and I had to use the restroom. And there was a sign in there that said, "Employees Must Wash Hands."
And I could not find one employee who would wash my hands.
Some roses are red
Some violets are blue
Some say love is blind
And I know this is true
If you think this is a lie
Just look at me and you
I could have dated myself
But instead I chose to love you
(Anonymous)
“New pick-up line to try today: “Hey, are you a turkey? Because I want to gobble you up and then fall asleep.” — Rebel Wilson
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
I got a job crafting toy models of the dwarves from Snow White.
The pay sucks, but I'm not lying when I tell people I make seven figures.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
"I can tell by your sarcastic undertones, rude comments, and sheer lack of common decency that we should be best friends."
— Unknown
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.