How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam? An itsy bitsy book.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink? Sets on the Beach.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What’s a skeleton’s second favorite instrument?
A sax-a-bone.
I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my home-grown barley.
My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains.
I wood never leaf you.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
“If Monday were a person, it would be a boring friend who always forces us to do what we don’t want.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Impatient cow.
Impatient cow wh-?
Mooooo!
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Resting Grinch face.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
“Swiss cheese differs from Camembert by better ventilation.”
― Unknown
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
You're hotter than a data center!
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
What squeaks as it solves crimes?
Miami mice!
Why Did the Milkman Get Fired?
He was skimming off the top.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Nicaragua Sets Goal to Wipe out Literacy.
"Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."
- Oscar Levant
My son told me he can drink a whole glass a whiskey straight.
Personally, I think it's neat.
What did the mathematician do at the baseball game?
Square root for the home team.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
Nathan compares to you
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.