“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
Wanna partner up so we can test the spring potential of my bed mattress?
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
To all the people that don't cover their mouths then they cough.
You make me sick.
Did you know knights are known for wearing dishware?
Thats why they call it plate armor.
What kind of horse does a ghost ride? A nightmare.
What kind of hats does the skeleton baseball league wear?
Skullcaps.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
Life without you would be un-bear-able.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
Can I slip one past your goalie?
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
"I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness." - Aldous Huxley
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom? Dam right they are.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
Theatre - the one place it doesn't pay to read between the line.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."
– Sadhguru
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
I find you very a-peeling.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fangs
Fangs who?
Fangs for letting me in!
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.