There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
How did the baby tell her mom that she had a wet diaper?
She sent her a pee-mail.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
Are you from history? Because your body looks royal.
What are the fastest fish in the river? The motor-pike with a side-carp!
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.
My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
Girl, it would be both a Crime and a Punishment if you don't let me take you out.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.”
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself...
I really need to wash some mugs.
I’ve got my phone, and you have your phone number… imagine the possibilities.
Bookworms take shelfies.
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
Albert Einstein
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
“Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Maurice Chevalier
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
“Cancers are Moonchildren; totally influenced by the waxing and waning cycles of the Moon. Asking them to remain in one feeling, one mood, or one state of mind is pure insanity.”
— Sherene Schostak
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
I'd steer clear of dating a dyslexic bus driver.
Sure, they may take you places, but there'll be mixed signals along the way.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."