What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
Ask me if I'm a tree.
Are you a tree?
No.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
You can stand under my umbrella.
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
Wow, I was just wishing for a soulmate Anna minute later, we matched. What are the chances?
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
Did Spotify fix their mistakes? Because you will no longer be the hottest single after you spend time with me tonight.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
"You bake me crazy."
My name? It's Bond. Covalent Bond.
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Hello... I've been admiring your bacterial signature.
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
Readers do it by the book.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison!
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Funny Inspirational and Motivational Quotes
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.”
Zig Ziglar
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I wrote a song about a tortilla chip.
Actually, it's more like a wrap.