Q. Where did the gorilla like to go sailing?
A. The Chimpan-Sea
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
“Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid."
- Mark Twain
My wife just yelled that I should fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth to reach a supply of water and die.
I know she means well.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
I'm taking indian cooking classes, because
I'm just so curryous about it.
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
My friend learned Spanish by jotting sentences repeatedly...
He used wrote learning.
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
"I hate mornings, they start so early."
— Janet Evanovich
Kiss me! Let me taste your sweet lips before the asteroid destroys earth
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Have you ever tried pineapple milk? Do you know where it comes from? Obviously from the pine – nipples!
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
What did the deer say when he left the barbershop?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
Why was the horse sad she didn’t get the job?
She was flanking on it.
Why did the Sugar Maple have to go to the dentist? It really needed a root canal.
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
Are you sure you're not from South Korea? Because I'm sure you're my 'Seoul'-mate.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.