A friend failed his medical exam when he X-rayed his lower torso.
He didn’t put his heart into it.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that.” —Howie Mandel
What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!
It took God seven days to make the world but it'll only take seven digits for you to change mine.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
"My inner advisor is dying to heal me." - Astrid Alauda
Beer is the greatest beverage on earth.
That's my pint of view, anyway.
If fish lived on land, in which country would they live? Finland.
Metaphors be with you.
Where can you find a golfer on a Saturday night?
Clubbing.
A person with a very blocked nose walks into a doctors office.
The doctor says: "So, you're having mucus problems?"
The person replies: "perhaps, perhaps snot.
I enjoy your company and the silence in between our yoga mats.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, Netflix, and mimosas with no pants on.
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
Why won't the dog listen to the farmer's sheep jokes?
He's herd them all.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
I fence-y you.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
An error has occurred, please try again!
Oh sorry but my system can't process something beautiful like you.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?