Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored -- how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
“Pride, commitment and teamwork are words they use to get you to work for free.” – Anonymous
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
What did one werewolf say when he saw his friend?
- Howl’s it going?
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
It took 3 tries to approach you. I kept losing my breath.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
Never believe minotaurs...
Half of everything they say is bull.
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
But would they be stoned by the goalie?
No, they'd smoke it right between the pipes!
My Grandad asked me how to print. I said "Control P"
He said: "I haven't been able to do that for years!"
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.
You radiate in the shortest wavelengths I’ve ever encountered.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
I want you. I knead you.
Did you hear about the fellow who threw away his new iron skillet?
It smelt funny...
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
Why is a baby showing the top of its head during labor a significant event?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What do you call a viking cemetary?
A grey fjord.
Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.
The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.