What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!

How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.

"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide

“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx

What did the witness say at the gnome trial? In my gnome words here’s what happened.

What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"

My late father once said
Sorry I’m late.

What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.

What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.

What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.

A young schoolgirl named Rose,
Is rather ashamed of her nose.
She distracts people's stares,
With the mice that she wears,
Hanging down from her clothes.

How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.

Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!

“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.​” — Homer Simpson

Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.

Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?

I took my pet tiger to my doctor
Because it had a very bad day.
Now, my tiger’s depression is still there,
But my doctor has gone away.

(Barry Stebbings)

What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie

Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.

You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.

You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.

Why does the tin keep crossing the road?
Because it can.

I told a friend that I thought his pet zebra was a fake. He said, “Well spotted”.

Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!

What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!

What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.

Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.

How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.

On Halloween night in the year 1804
Costumed as a witch, I knocked on a door
Now it's plain to see
A spell was cast on me
I became a frog, hopping on the floor

Years of Hallowed nights had all passed by
I was growing weary but had to try
to find a Prince to kiss
and the spell I could dis
Not one of the snooty royals would comply

I once sought the lips of a Prince Charming
Until fat frogs appeared to be swarming
All reaching for my lips
Such an apolcalypse
It was disgusting and quite alarming

In 1942 I trick-Or-Treated with Prince Chris
Who refused to smooch. Ah, I reminisce
So, I remained a frog
In a swamp, on a log
Because Chris said he was really a 'miss'

Halloween 2022, and what am I to do?
Over a century I've been sad and blue
A Prince to touch my lips
To stroke my curvy hips
Is there a man who'll kiss me among you?

- by Jenna Logan

Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!

“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”

A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!

The sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick.

There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.

Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.

Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.

Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.

What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.

I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.

"A slice of pie without cheese is like a kiss without a squeeze."
— Stephen King

“I’m glad I don’t have to hunt my own food, I don’t even know where sandwiches live.”
― Unknown

What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.

Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.

Are you a centripetal force? Because you make my world go round.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!

Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.

If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?

Octopus ocular optics.

What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.