I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"

This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.

Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?

Moonday.

What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.

Police were called to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

"If the poor overweight jogger only knew how far he had to run to work off the calories in a crust of bread he might find it better in terms of pound per mile to go to a massage parlor."

- Christiaan Barnard

Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!

Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.

Irish puns are the most O'ffensive.

You know what they say... Big Feet.

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.

Why was the evergreen so lonely in high school? She was always pining to become a part of the poplar kids.

What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io

"Camping is a humanitarian effort to help feed hungry mosquitoes."
- Melanie White

"Bulb: potential flower buried in Autumn, never to be seen again."
- Henry Beard

Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.

Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps

How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.

When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.

What do you call a zoo that has only giraffes in it?
Giraffic Park.

What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!

Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?

Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.

What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.

My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.

I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.

What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.

"Now We Are Six"

When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.

– A.A. Milne

What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.

What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.

Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.

I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.

Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.

What do you get when you photocopy fruit?
Paper jam.

The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.

The evil King of Weatherland only had one favorite weather - hail, storm.

Why was the neuron sent to the principal's office?
It had trouble controlling its impulses.

When did the pianist finally turn their life around?
After they hit Rockbottomoff.

What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.

What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.

Why did the Apatosaurus devour the factory? Because she was a plant eater!

What did the farmer say after he lost his tractor?
“Where’s my tractor?”