What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it? Post Office!
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
A pony goes to see the doctor one day.
He says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I've had this terrible sore throat for weeks and I think there must be some badly wrong."
The doctor examines him and then reassures him saying, "It's okay, it's nothing serious; you're just a little horse."
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
Why did the credit card go to jail? It was guilty as charged.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
What did God say after creating man? I must be able to do better than that.
My friend asked me whether I was ready to pick apples this fall? I apple-solutely was.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
A monster terrorized a village.
He kept doing it ogre and ogre again...
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Your body has the nicest arc length I have ever seen.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
I would part the Red Sea for you.
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
What did the banana do when it saw a gorilla? The banana split.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What did the water in the fire truck say when it came to a sudden stop?
I'm baffled.
Halloween is the night of darkness. But you are brighter than an angel.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
What would a barefoot man get if he stepped on an electric fence? A pair of shocks.”
What is red, white, and blue over winter break?
A sad candy cane.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"