You tell me your mantra and I’ll l tell you mine.
Why does Valentine's Day never work in Africa?
All the lion cheetahs.
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
What do you call the last skeleton on earth?
The end-o skeleton.
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
Can’t Lucy how perfect a date with me could be?
What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
If my life was a cake. Then you'd the cherry on top.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.
Love me do
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What does a deer call her boyfriend?
Cari-boo.
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.
When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
What scares a caterpillar?
A dog-erpillar!
Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men? A. It changes their DNA.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What kind of cheese is really good at guitar?
Shreddar.
What is the highest compliment a zombie can receive?
- Wow, you're in Grave condition!
I was supposed to solve for X. I am so glad that I found U instead.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
Who takes care of saunas?
Humid Resources.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!