“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
Why don't turkeys like math?
Because when they added three to five...
They got Ate.
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What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?
Enough drumstics for a month.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
6:30 is hands down the best time on a clock
How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
What is a frog's favorite time?
Leap year.
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
I’m thinking about buying a new phone because this crappy one doesn’t have your number in it.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake!
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What's a zombie's least favorite quiz question?
A no-brainer.
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
"The only thing that hurts more than paying an income tax is not having to pay an income tax."
— Thomas Dewar
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you — hand over the cash!
How do you get more bounce in a water bed?
Put some spring water in it
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What do you do when a pickle wants to play cards?
Dill'em in.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
One ear of corn says to the other, “I think I have a stalker.”
The other corn replies, “Thats amaizing! Is he cute?” The ear replies, “No, too husky!”
What do you call a flower with a mouth?
Tulip.
How to tell a car it has gained weight?
‘You have got Fiat.’
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt."
— Charles M. Shulz
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)