I want you for myself like Newfoundland has its own time zone.

A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.

Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.

What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.

A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?

What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.

I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"

Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.

“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse

What it is it called if you refuse to go running today?
Resistance Training!

“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown

Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.

I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Mirra.

Mirra who?

Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.

"If you think adventure is dangerous try routine, it’s lethal."
– Paulo Coelho

"Eggs-cuse me."

In later years was the Great One in decline? Yes he was on the Wayne.

What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.

A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.

Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!

What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.

Why is it so difficult to sell a toy zebra.
You can never find the barcode.

My next door neighbor is a witch,
And she lives way down in a ditch.
Her clothing is a little strange,
Because she never wants to change.
She has a black robe and a black hat,
Green skin and a smelly black cat.
A big fat wart grows on her nose,
And seventeen pimples on her toes.

But...her food is EVEN worse,
Because she eats it course by course.
Her first course is seven dead bats,
Laid on top of seven rats.
Then she has twenty flies
With lots and lots of llama eyes.
Her main course is a horrible soup,
Because it's made with doggie poop.
But worst of all is her dessert.
It's little children rolled in dirt.

Last night she had a witch's feast
And turned into a greedy beast.
I think she cooked my best friend Tilly
And ate her with some peas and broccoli.

- by Samiya Vallee

I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.

A blond was taking helicopter lessons.
The instructor said, "I'll radio you every 1000 feet to see how you're doing."
At 1000 feet, the instructor radioed her and said she was doing great.
At 2000 feet, he said she was still doing well.
Right before she got to 3000 feet, the propeller stopped, and she twirled to the ground.
The instructor ran to where she crash landed and pulled her out of the helicopter. "What went wrong?"
The blond said, "At 2500 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off."

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say, "I'm not really this tall, I'm sitting on my wallet."

I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."

Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.

Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.

How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off his tail, he'll be de-lighted.

Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.


(Kevin Nishmas)

Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.
. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

“Nobody puts baby in a coroner.”

Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.

"My doctor recently told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." —Milton Berle

What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.

Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.

Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.

I thought the play was frightful but I saw it under particularly unfortunate circumstances - the curtain was up.

It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.

What happened when the koala tripped and fell in a crowded restaurant? He got embearassed.

What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.

My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.

Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.

Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.

What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.

I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.

The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.

My life-long rival just beat my record for deep-sea diving.
This is a new low.