A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
What should you do when you see Frankenstein walking towards you?
Make a bolt for it.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Are you accepting applications for your fan club? I'd love to join.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Why did the farmer put his cow on the scales?
He wanted to see how much the milky weighed.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
"Early morning cheerfulness can be extremely obnoxious."
— William Feather
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.
You’re as sweet as Pi.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.
I like my girls how I like my Covid.
19 and easily spread.
Quasimodo was the best detective in France.
He always had a hunch.
Erase erratic bat from your vocabulary because I am as functional as they come.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
Make your own decisions this summer, don’t give in to pier pressure.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"
Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
“I'm not napping this is savasana.”
- Berndt Vogel
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
What do you call a group of arms?
An army.
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
“Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.”—John Peer
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
What does the mushroom say to his lover? – “I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.