Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.
What did the sushi say to the bee?
"Wasabee?"
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
I was talking to this guy about how I hate geometry. You know what he said to me.
You just have to look at it from a different angle.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
First time hunters were arguing over which kind of animal tracks they had found when they were hit by a train.
Those who steal trains must have a loco–motive!
"Read between the wines."
What do you get when you fling salt in a tavern?
A barnacle (a.k.a. bar-na-cl).
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
Middle C, E flat, and G walk into a bar.
“Sorry,” the bartender says. “We don’t serve minors.”
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
How do ponies react when the opposing team comes on the field?
They horse-boo.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill anymore.
I sent him a Get Well Soon card.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
If I lived in medieval times, I'd be a tavern guard.
I've always been known for my Inn-Security.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind. I don't want to spread it around
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?
By the seat of one’s punt
What do you call it when you've choked on water while jogging every morning this week?
The worst running gag ever.