What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Why was the little bear so spoiled?
Because its mother panda’d to its every whim!
What does a person with Covid like to drink?
Coughy.
Hi, my friend thinks you're kinda cute, but I don't. I think you're absolutely gorgeous.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
How did the shark do on his test?
Fin-Tastic!
Can I also deposit my number into your phone?
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road? To get to the second hand shop.
Dear keyboard manufacturers, I'm writing to request a redesign so that g and t wouldn't be right next to each other. Retards
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
Why don't skeletons have a mobile? They don't have any body to talk to.
What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall "Dam!"
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
“Luckily, today has been canceled. Go back to bed.”
– Unknown
Are you Vietnamese? Cause I'm falling pho you.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
RIP boiled water.
You will be mist.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Roses are red,
Pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one,
I’m not sharing with you.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
It's Taco Night, so on my way home, I grabbed a bag of shredded cheese at the store, queso we needed some more.
.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with ass****s." - William Gibson