What did the mummy say to the zombie?
- Stop ragging on me!
According to the second law of thermodynamics, you're supposed to share your body heat with me.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Who has large antlers, a high voice and wears white gloves? Mickey Moose!
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
The bowling solder decided to launch a pre-emptive strike.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
Your beauty is a singularity. The force of attraction between us is so powerful.
When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
"Let's have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle."
- Earl Blumenauer.
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
These days, knights love to watch movies, and their favorite genre is the horror and the action genre. Also, I am pretty sure that their favorite movie is 'Knight Of The Living Dead.'
Did you hear about the injured vegetable? Some say he got beet.
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits."
Anonymous
“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.
I feel thankful for having you as my gym buddy and lover.
Our relationship is really working out.
Someone said you were looking for me.
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
Why did the detective lose his second job at the airport?
He kept cracking cases.
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode? What a lavaly day!
I'll light your fire for you if you want!
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
We need to cover more ground so we should split up.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
When the rainbow decided to speak out at the meeting of all weathers, someone said 'Look hue's talking.'
Winter is here, weather you like it or not.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.