What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Baseball point to ponder: Why do we sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" at the ballpark, if we're already there?
My flower blooms whenever I see your beautiful face, I hope you know what I mean.
“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
“Make yourself look really stupid so you don’t feel bad doing something a little stupid.”
- Mark Hoppus
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
My neighbour always thinks he knows more about the weather than me
The guy is a real snow it all.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
"I whip my hare back and forth."
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Your name must be Summer because you are hot.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
What is the difference between a chemist and a geologist? While a geologist will drink anything fermented, a chemist just
drinks anything that is distilled.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
“What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin” –Mark Twain
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.”
Ashleigh Brilliant
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
I beg your garden?
Black background, brown background, black background, brown background, black background, brown background.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!