Can I call you "whom"? Because you're the object — of my affections.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
“My daughter just lost her first tooth, which is a very sweet moment for a dad. In retrospect, I do regret punching her so hard in the face.”
- Alan Cox.
A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
Can’t believe I’ve gone this long in my life without Ben by your side
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
It’s so cold chickens are rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
My cranium is empty. I'm running bone-dry here.
How to scare kids away in the night
Want to give them a really big fright?
Go hide in the closet
They'll leave a deposit
When the boogieman busts out tonight.
Q. What can a buck take after a night of drinking at a stag party?
A. Elk-a-seltzer.
A boy has SWAG.
A man has STYLE.
A gentleman has CLASS.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
"I can't wait to start blaming my normal lack of productivity on it being summer"
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Stay true to your shelf.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Your infectious smile puts cholera to shame.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shot gun going, "Blam! Blam!"
Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”
Kenny Rogerson
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson
"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses."
- Thomas Dewar
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.