Why did the tectonic plates break up? It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
When I gave the wrong answer about Austrian composers in class, my teacher said, "Are you Schubert that?"
I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he likes cool music...
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.
You have a pizza my heart.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
Will you Scarlett me take you out this weekend?
Man: I'd go to the ends of the world for you!
Woman: Okay, but would you stay there?
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz? He wasn’t too bright.”
What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
“Thank you, the day after Thanksgiving, or as the makers of sweatpants call it, 'the busy season.'" — Jimmy Fallon
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
Why did the alphabet cross the road?
To get from Point A to Point B.
Why was Mozart a child prodigy?
All his early pieces were in A sharp minor.
Girl, if we were lymphocytes, you’d be a natural killer.
What did the gladiator say when he was surrounded by nearly 100 men?
IC
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.