An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
This summer is going swimmingly.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What is in the middle of dinosaurs ? The letter "s"!
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
What did Mars tell to Saturn? Give me a ring sometime!
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
What’s the difference between a healthy rabbit and an odd rabbit? One is a fit bunny, and the other’s a bit funny!
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
How are a volleyball player and a carpenter similar? They both love to hammer spikes.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There is a twist at the end.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
He’s in love with me,
And not exactly for you.
And if you take my place,
I’ll take my plate and smash your face.
(Unknown)
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know."
Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone."
Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
"Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo."
- Al Gore
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
If you wake up in a RED room, with no windows or doors, don't be alarmed, you're just in my heart.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
A little less conversation, a little more action please.
Having a ball this weekend with my best friends
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
The doctor told me I had to start walking three miles a day to get fit
It's been two weeks and I don't know how to get home.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!