Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
"Aloe you vera much."
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
“As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices take it or leave it.”
- Buddy Hacket
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm. I decided to cyclone.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
It’s allergy season again?! You’ve got to be pollen my leg.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
After the doctor finished up with my prostrate exam the nurse came in and said three words I didn’t want to hear...
“Who was that?”
Shouldn't you be on top of the tree, Angel?
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
You smell just like my mom, want to grab a drink?
You may look a little older,
Sadly youth doesn't come cheap,
So skip all those Botox parties,
And just get your beauty sleep.
Be glad you're young at heart,
And still look as good as gold,
Too bad you're not a millionaire,
And can't put your looks on hold.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
How does a mushroom decorate a home? With toadstools.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Hey, are you Cinderella because I see that dress disappearing at midnight.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
There once was a man from Peru,
Who had a lot of growing up to do.
He'd ring a doorbell,
then run like hell,
Until the owner shot him with a .22
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
I was hoping you wouldn't block my pop-up. You must've been made by Intel to be that hot!
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
Distance equals velocity times time, or we could just simply race to the finish line.
Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.