“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
You're like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
Did you hear about the artist's really messy house? He said it was 'a work in progress'.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
“Self-love seems so often unrequited.”
– Anthony Powell
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
My computer's favorite singer is A Dell.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What did you call an awesome geologist? A rockstar!
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
All you need is MY love
“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” - Andy Rooney
What did one pyramid say to the other? Hey! Where's your mummy?
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
“Saw a chameleon today so I'm assuming it wasn't a very good one." - Unknown Author
Why did the elephant cross the road?
The chicken couldn’t be bothered anymore.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
I tried to phone the spiritual leader of Tibet once, but I was sent a big goat with a long neck instead.
I must have phoned Dial-a-Llama by mistake.
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!