"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
"Is it the tar that smells like farts?"
"No, it was your asphalt"
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos...
When will they stop stereotyping?
Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?
A: Make them do limeout.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
Why do benched players always seem to look so wise? They don’t have to look like fools on the floor and entertain the crowds.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
My mom told me that life is like a deck of cards, so you must the be queen of hearts.
What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?
“My plop is bigger than your plop.”
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
"I crossed a time zone and I feel younger already. If I keep traveling west, I can become immortal."
- Jarod Kintz
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
Chuck Norris doesn't ever call the wrong number. You just answer the wrong phone.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.”—Lily Tomlin
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Had beaver curry last night.
Bit like a normal curry, just a little otter.
I tried to make a poo but could only squeeze out a p**.
I must be missing some bowels.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
We’ve got serious chemistry.
"I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred." - Woody Allen
Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.