Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What does a vampire need for making breakfast in the morning?
Pancake batter.
“You define a good flight by negatives: you didn’t get hijacked, you didn’t crash, you didn’t throw up, you weren’t late, you weren’t nauseated by the food. So you are grateful.”
– Paul Theroux
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande
When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
"Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says to love your enemy."
- Frank Sinatra
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
Which bus went from Spain to America?
Columbus.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do you call Batman when he is injured?
Bruised Wayne.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
Are you the energizer bunny cause you just keep going and going through my mind.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. Too many tsunamis.
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
What’s so great about whiteboards?
If you think about it, they’re pretty re-markable!
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti...
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What does someone mean by a light year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories and fat.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
I don't work at this store, but may I be of assistance to you anyway?
“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett