"Someone's stolen the grass from my garden," said the man looking forlorn.
Help, me I am trapped
In a haiku factory
save me, before they
Why can't corona virus jokes go viral?
Because people are laughing into their elbows.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
"A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong."
— Mark Twain
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun ?
Whatever it wants to be called.
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”
– Ronald Reagan
Take a page from the book and leaf.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
What is a tornado's favorite Elton John song? Candle in the Wind!
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
How many light bulbs
Does it take to screw a shrink?
Oh, got it backwards.
“A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.” — Henry Kissenger
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
What sound does a space turkey make? Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
You’re my sweetheart, and I’m so pumped about that.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Hey, let me take you out on a first date in the snow - I promise I'm not a flaky person.
You must be from the cosmos because your body is heavenly.