“What is your favorite day of the week, and why it is your favorite day of the week? Mine is Tuesday because that means Monday is gone.”

How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.

“Unemployment is capitalism’s way of getting you to plant a garden."
~ Orson Scott Card

I made a snap decision to watch football today.

This weekend, I will watch a new Irish movie based on a marathon runner who only ate potatoes. It is called Starch Trek.

“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell

Did you hear about the kangaroo with glasses?
He had to go to the hopthalmologist.

When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!

One evening I wrote to John and I guess I was expressing my frustrations with not having enough time as I had a briefcase full of work to do that evening. Jaymac, in his wisdom, sent me back the following funny but inspirational poem:

Briefcase with an Engine
Poet: John McLeod

Fit your briefcase with an engine
Go skateboarding in the sun
Loop the loop, do aerobatics,
Laugh a lot and have great fun!

'Cook a snook' at paper empires
Save a forest, every tree
And remember, above all,
To do it happily!

It reminded me life is too short to let work frustrate me. Reading John's words of wisdom helped relieve my stress as I found myself smiling when I finished reading the poem. And, smiling and laughing is a great stress reliever!

Many times during my career I let my work control my life. Looking back at the times where I allowed my work to create stress and frustration in my life I now realize what I thought was important really was not. I am not say

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.

When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.

What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!

How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.

Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.

What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.

Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.

I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!

What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.

What crosswords do zombies like?
Crypt-ic ones.

What do you give a sick pig?
Oinkment.

Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.
Will Rogers

What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief

Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.

A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.

"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous

When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!

I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.

How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.

“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." - J. Norman Collie

Seed between the lines.

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"

What did the first thunderstorm of the year say?
Hail to the spring!

“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.”
Dave Barry

Did you hear about the fumbled exorcism? The guy retained possession!

What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.

How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.

How do you wash clothes at the beach?
With Tide.

What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.

I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah

Oh autumn, please don't ever leaf me again.

Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.

What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!

What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.

What did the doctor give the lollipop when he broke his leg
A candy cane.

How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!

What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.