Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people
Then the grenade exploded.
Violinist Caught following a String of Robberies.
What do you call a cat that was caught by the police? The purr-petrator.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
You are the reason Santa even has a naughty list.
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
"Women love a self-confident bald man."
- Larry David.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Astonishingly, the first comic strip known to man was created by King John of England. It was called the 'Manga-Carta'!
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
"Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun." —Stephanie Ortiz
All stereos are so typical.
What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
A crossword compiler named Moss,
Who found himself quite at a loss.
When asked, Why so blue?
Said, I haven’t a clue
I’m 2 Down to put 1 Across.
"Lazy bones."
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.
This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
A father was reading a book while his son was playing with toys on the floor. “Daddy, why is that book so thick?” asks the boy.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
Even if I was T-Rex, I would find a way to hug you.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
What do you get if you cross a bat with a ball?
A home run.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Let's get out of here and explore the North Pole. I'm a rebel without a Claus.
“All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.” — Red Skelton
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
Approximately how many Egyptians can be fitted inside a pyramid? A pharaoh mount.
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I love you so fairy much.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
What do you call a divorce but for bananas?
Banana split!
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.” - Wendy Liebman
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
"How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it takes nine visits." - Author unknown
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
Did you hear about the new Netflix series? The one about a couple of poor female artists living in 1600s Rome?
I think it's called Two Baroque Girls