How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
Why did people stop going to the ghoul hospital?
They kept coming out dead!
Who was the criminal crow running from? The cawps.
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
It seems like you have the answer to my math problem. What are your digits?
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
Why are cars so cheeky?
Because they are fuel of it.
My Mexican uncle takes anti-anxiety medication
It's for Hispanic attacks.
What do racehorses eat?
Fast food.
Which music group really embodied the fake it until you make it mantra?
The Pretenders.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
If you're wondering what to donate to a soup kitchen...
...a dining set would be chair-i-table
“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What language do they teach at Elf School?
North Polish!
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
"Some bunny needs vodka."
Will you be the sun in my life? Then stay millions of miles away from me.
I think this has been said somewhere else.
"The longer we are together, the less serious I am about you."
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
Why can't men get mad cow disease? Because they are pigs.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
Working the poker table at the casino with my new prosthetic hand is going to be a challenge,
But I’ll learn to deal with it.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
Do you wanna Ketchup over beer?
What is the 7th pin in bowling called? Mother-In-Law!
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
Wondering what crows wear during Halloween, well, they wear caw-stumes.
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!