"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Why can’t your ear be 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
How does a group of sea turtles make a decision?
They flipper a coin.
How did architects earn a living in ancient Egypt?
Pyramid schemes
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life."
- Richard Lewis
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
You can stand under my umbrella.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!
The years go flying by so fast
We wonder why our youth does not last
But when I look at you I see
A younger version of what you use to be
But remember I am aging with you
And without my glasses the picture is skewed
So who cares about what has been done
As long as birthdays keep having fun!
(Samatha C. Ringle)
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
I Got to Get You Into My Life
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?
Au revoir.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
Why did the blond softball team always eat at Taco Bell before a game?
So they'd get more runs than the opponents.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
A teacher asks one of their pupils, "Can you describe Napoleon"s origin?"
The pupil replies, "Course I can." (Corsican)
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
Why are black people so good at basketball?
Dedication and hard work.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
What do you get if you cross a giraffe and a hedgehog?
An extra long toilet brush.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
The weather man said there won’t be any rain for 6 months, but I drought it.
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.