Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
"Europeans: I drove 40 minutes to spend the weekend in Paris, then popped to Germany to visit family on the way home. Australians: I was in Queensland and drove for 18 hours. Now I’m still in Queensland."
Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.
What did the turkey say after Thanksgiving dinner? I'm still stuffed.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
What did the zombie bank robber say to the cops?
- You'll never take me alive.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it." - Golda Meir
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?
He substituted his wife for an ex.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What do you call a really happy ant?
Exuber-ant.
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
I don't know where I put my queen after the last chess game.
Maybe she's lost I need to check.
I would hate to see you go, but I love watching your leaves.
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
Called in sick to work one day complaining about my eyes.
When they asked what's wrong I said:
“I just can’t see myself coming in to work today.”
When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
A skeleton walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “What’ll you have?”
The skeleton says, “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
Where did the Adansonia tree go to get a quick trim? To the baobarber.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
"I went out with a guy once who told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, 'I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.'"
- Chelsea Handler
"Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand." - Unknown
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Hey, are you a campfire? ‘Cause you’re super hot and I want s’more.
You look good on your yoga mat.