Why were the axons bothered by myelin?
It was getting on their nerves.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
"Love is being stupid together." - Paul Valery
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
What do you call a cold crocodile in winter? A refrigerator.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
Have you ever heard of mushroom cars? Well, they have an interesting sound which goes line shroom shroom!
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What did the Endoplasmic Reticulum say to the Golgi. I like your body, and the Golgi said it's complex.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
Hi. Do you remember me? Oh, that’s right—we’ve only met in my dreams.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
My wife threw a block of cheddar at my head
I said "Well that's mature."
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
It's so cold that you have to open the fridge to heat the house.
Hannibal crossed the Alps because it was safer than crossing the elephants.
"The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time."
― Joe Girard
You breathe oxygen too? We have so much in common!
Who can shave 10 times a day and still have a beard? A barber.
"The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume control also turns to the left. - Jerry M. Wright
“I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.”
Damien Fahey
Do you know where you take a sick squid?
To the doctopus.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
I can think of an activity that'll make you sweat even more than a 90 minute hot yoga class...
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
I was thinking whether I should write you or not.. but honestly, there isn’t Hannah-other better choice than to
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lee
Lee who?
Lee me alone - I've got a headache!
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
This April fools, I decided to swipe right on only the ugly people on Tinder and then burn them.
Still no matches.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.