Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a wolf?
An animal that mooed at the full moon.
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
How did the old man walk his way out of the storm so fast?
Because, he had a hurry cane.
Are you a florist? Cause ever since I met you, my life has been Rosey.
Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.
Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
How do you know the moon is going broke?
It's down to its last quarter.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
How do shellfish get to the hospital?
In a clambulance!
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
An overworked elf walks into a bar the day before Christmas and orders a beer. "Hey look, everyone! It's an elf!" the bartender exclaims. "I'm sorry, but that phrase is now insensitive and politically incorrect," the elf says. "We prefer to be called subordinate clauses."
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
What do you call a group of dyslexic crows?
A redrum.
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
If I get hooked on you, will you hook up with me?
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
“You’re not truly a parent until you’ve yelled at your kid for drinking fluid on a road trip because now they have to pee again.”
— Abe Yospe
With conjunctions, you and I can be together.
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
Are you the end of practice? Because you’re always on my mind.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What do call a cactus which is shaped like a penis
Dildon’t.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Why did the computer come with airbags?
In case it crashed.
Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Kanga.
Kanga who?
Actually, it’s kangaroo.
You must be mitochondria because you are the powerhouse of my heart.
Many people think that the Abominable Snowman doesn't exist...
Yeti does.
We may be two ships that pass in the night, but I must have your number before you Ceylon.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.