A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."
Is your name Summer? It has to be, because you're hot!
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What do you tell the nobles of Scandinavia whenever you're leaving their house?
Viking.
I put the “man” in Manitoba.
Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?
"The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk."
- Ogden Nash
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
Wanna go out sometime? I’d consider it an Er-win if you said yes.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
We're donion rings.
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s see salt.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado when the dip bowl was empty?
“We’ve hit guac bottom!”
What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.
My name is Romeo, will you be my Juliet?
Do you want to Australian Kiss?
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
You must be a summoner, cause I can feel a powerful creature rising... in my pants!
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.
"I wood never leaf you."
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
Name a rock group where none of the members sings or plays music.
Mt. Rushmore!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home? She moved.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing