"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
"Don't ever think I fell for you, or fell over you. I didn't fall in love, I rose in it."
― Toni Morrison, Jazz
Browsing my feed
I’m delighted to see
your new girlfriend is
the ugly version of me.
(Samantha Jayne)
How many museum curators does it take to change a light bulb?
6. 1 changes it and the other 5 preserve, display, and celebrate the old model.
I take it that you are the captain of the sun.
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
What makes more noise than a dog barking outside your window?
Two dogs barking outside your window.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
"Went outside today. Very hot. There were bugs. Zero stars, would not recommend"
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
What dog keeps the best time? A watch dog.
You're such a TEAse.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
“One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.”
— Clifton Fadiman
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Baby, you make my rover raise its mast into a vertical position.
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
Where was the dinosaur when the sun went down ? In the dark!
People call my obsession with the afterlife, suicidal. Truth be told,
I'm dying to find out if there is life after death.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What happens when you seriously overstuff yourself with turkey at Thanksgiving?
You have a few slices of pumpkin pie.
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
“A snowball in the face is surely the perfect beginning to a lasting friendship.”
– Markus Zusak
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home." – Robert Orben
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
I would love to show you first class.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Why did the bees go on strike? Because they wanted more honey and shorter working flowers.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.