The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
Do I lose when the police officer says papers and I say scissors?
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
Did you know that unicorns live in New York City? I swear why do you think their called uNYCorns?
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
“If you know how many cupcakes I’m holding behind my back I’ll give you both of them.”
― Unknown
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
Susie works in a shoeshine shop. Where she shines she sits, and where she sits she shines.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown
I threw water on a flamingo the other day
Now it's just an O.
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Theodore.
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open, so I knocked.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.
Girls just wanna have sun!
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Did you hear about the statistician who drowned crossing the river?
It was three feet deep on average.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"