There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.
A guy walks into a bar. He gets a drink and leaves.
If at first you don't succeed, try twice more so your failure is statistically significant.
A fight between tiger and lion broke out. Both of them wanted to become the next empe-roar of the jungle.
While walking down the plains of the river, I lost my footing and got hit on my head. Now my head is swimming.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me any time you want to.
What's a girl like you doing in a nice place like this?
Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.
What drink scares defense lawyers? Guilt-Tea.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you.
People are harder. They pretend to be your friend first.
- Steve Irwin
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
A man started wearing a blanket to the office.
His colleagues began to suspect he was working undercover...
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
(Unknown)
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water...
It’s an untapped market.
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
I always have a ball with you.
“I can’t get out of bed on days when the temperature is less than my age.”
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
Q. How do does and fawns fly from place to place?
A. In a deer-igible
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell
Me, to my wife: They said that the Covid vaccines are safe and has no side effects.
My wife: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What does Eric Clapton and a cup of coffee have in common? They both suck without Cream.
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
I think I glove you.
Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
I walked in on my girlfriend sleeping with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.