A friend of mine lost the right side of of his brain in a car accident, but he wouldn’t stop drinking and driving.
No one in their right mind would do that.

You can take me home tonight, but only if Yuletide-y up your place.

Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.

It’s snow joke.

What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!

What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.

What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”

"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault

"I have so many egg puns, it's not even bunny."

Why do leaves change color in the fall? Because they want to leaf their old color.

What's green and dangerous?
A frog with a hand-grenade.

“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler

It was so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.

I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."

When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"

"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."

I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.

Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.

There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.

Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.

Old astronomers got so tired of waiting for the sun to go down, that they decided to pack it up and call it a day.

There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.

My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!

"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."

My history teacher was talking about mythical medieval creatures
Personally, I think the lecture was starting to drag on

There was a Young Lady of Lucca,
Whose lovers completely forsook her;
She ran up a tree,
And said, 'Fiddle-de-dee!'
Which embarassed the people of Lucca.

What do you call a cat that gets what they want? Purr-suasive.

What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.

"I asked my dad once, ‘How did you and Mum stay married for 33 years?’ And he said, ‘Well, we never wanted to get divorced at the same time.'"

- Gwyneth Paltrow

How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?

What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

It’s so cold that the snowflakes froze in the air and birds used them as stepping stones to get from tree to tree.

What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell

Were you born in a farm? You look a-maize-ing.

What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?

A pun, a play on words and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.

Why did the dyslexic elf get fired?
He kept writing "From Satan" on children's New Year presents.

If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.

"Wine a little, laugh a lot."

What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.

The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.

Why did the thief cut the legs off his bed?
Because he needed to lie low.

Did you hear about one flower who went on a date with another flower?
It’s a budding romance.

What does a flower say when they’re offering you a job?
Take it or leaf it.

Did you hear about the flower who was struck in a hit and run?
She was leafed for dead.

A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.

What did the first century Christian say about the lion that killed his wife?
I'm Gladiator.

Fall makes me g-leaf-full!

Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!

Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.

Yesterday I put a $50 note in my freezer.
Now I have some frozen assets.

Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?

The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.