Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Why shouldn't you even think about dating the blond outfielder who got hit in the head by a baseball?
Because she's a bad catch.
“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What drink brings you down to earth? Gravi-Tea.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
“Went to Disneyland because my daughter’s obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.”
- Ryan Reynolds.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
From what I’ve heard, they Sadie only way to make a good first impression is to start with a bad name pun
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Adore.
Adore who?
Adore is between us. Open up!
You are so right. And I am so left.
Emo bunnies just do not carrot all.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.” - Jerry Seinfeld
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
What did the vacuum cleaner salesman say before murdering his son?
Dyson!
“Eating words has never given me indigestion.”
Unknown
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
"Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory"- Albert Schweitzer
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
Even if there was no gravity, I'd still fall for you.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
How do you plan to shell-ebrate the New Year?
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Did you hear about the painter who works in jail? They say he had a brush with the law.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.