What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
Checking in for a flight, I was asked, "Window or Aisle?"
I said, "Window or you'll do what?
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
"The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families."
— Jay McInerney
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
The classiest indoor tennis facilities serve bubble tea.
You're such a treat that I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Excuse me, could you point me toward the Self-Help section? I need some advice on how to approach a gorgeous guy in a bookstore without seeming creepy.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms?
A ferrous wheel.
“They dream in courtship, but in wedlock wake.” — Alexander Pope
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
Heard a rumor of a giant butterfly in London. Probably just an urban moth.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
I decided to add a water fixture to my backyard...
... it's going well
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
My keyboard is missing a key. I lost ctrl.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then insulin comes pretty high on the list.
Jasper Carrott
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
“Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.” — Groucho Marx
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
The viking Rudolph the Red looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain.
His wife asked him, “What makes you say that?”
He replied, “Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Girl, you must be norepinephrine because you make my heart race.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.