What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
"I wake up in the morning and lay in my bed waiting for my mom to prepare breakfast. And suddenly I remember that I’m the mom."
— Unknown
"My Missing Shoe"
I looked for you by the front door,
Under my bed, on the bathroom floor,
Near the back stairs, in the drawer with my socks,
Next to the table, and out in the sandbox.
My mother is calling me, and I’m calling you,
Where have you gone, my missing shoe?
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.
“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Britney Spears
Britney Spears who?
Knock, knock - oops i did it again.
Wikipedia: I know everything!
Google: I have everything!
Facebook: I know everybody!
Internet: Without me you are nothing!
Electricity: Keep talking smart guys...
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
My pants are approaching escape velocity.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me
I yelled what the Hellmann?!
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?
Because they dropped out of the school.
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was in the sky?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
How long does it take for electricity to travel the length of a 10 car train?
It all depends on the conductor.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.