A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time to give you a kiss.
You are the Renaissance to my Dark Ages, you light up my world.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
From my head tomatoes, I love you bunches.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house?
The living room.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
A space fish is usually called starfish.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
What did the flower say to the flower next to him? Move over bud!
Your name is insert name here?
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
What do you call a catholic toaster strudel?
A pope tart.
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What would bears be without bees?
Ears.
What is a bunny’s motto? Don’t be mad, be hoppy!
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
Did you invent the airplane? ‘Cause, you seem Wright to me.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
"Between men and women, there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship."
- Oscar Wilde
What did fog do to make the captain angry? He mist the boat.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Why would a judge make a good tooth fairy?
Because they want the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Why couldn’t the skeleton get out of bed?
He was bone tired.
Girl, are you an adjective? Cause you should come first every day.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A herd.
A herd who?
A herd you were home, so I came over!
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus