Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
I wood never leaf you.
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What did the squirrel say to its baby before it had to leave?
I'm gonna go out on a limb here.
Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland
I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.
Riveting stuff.
What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
Why don’t skeletons do well at sports?
Because they have no skin in the game!
Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
I heard someone complain about the bus being too crowded, it was a 'bus-load' of people!
I hate going to the doctor because all he does is suck blood from my neck.
Do NOT go see Dr. Acula!
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
“Money and women are the most sought after and the least known about of any two things we have.”— Will Rogers
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What did the Hollywood film director say to the young neuron that wanted to be an actor?
"Hey kid, you've got potential."
“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” — Robert Frost
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’ve got five fingers,
Guess which one is for you?
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
All my friends complaint about not feeling good, and are freaking out about their lives, and I’m just like, “There’s Yoga pose for that!” — Unknown
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
“My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he’s 97 years old and we have no clue where he is.”
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Did your parents work on The Manhattan Project? Because you’re the bomb!
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
My sister asked me to hand her lipstick but i handed her a glue stick instead
She still won’t talk to me
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do you call a person who spends a lot of time sitting and staring at potatoes? A medi-tator.
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
What is a deer’s favorite place to get breakfast?
Dunkin’ Doe-nuts!
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with boobs?
One is a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.