Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?
A stamp
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
I almost got caught stealing a board game today.
But it was a Risk I was willing to take.
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
Why did the corn farmer go to jail?
He was stalking someone in a field.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his donut?
He was stuffed!
I ordered the wrong kind of flowers online for Valentines Day.
Oops e-daisies.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.
“Anyone who can walk to the welfare office can walk to work."
~ Al Capp
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
"You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead." - John Mendoza
Dracula always read the best selling local newspaper because he heard that it had a good circulation.
If you see a ghost, you should always say, 'How do you boo?'
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
I’m feelin’ green.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Don't send our invitations to a viking themed wedding until the date is set in stone
Or they'll be runed
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
Why did the fish cross the road?
To get to its school.
I want to live in your socks so I can be with you every step of the way.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
It’s so cold my shadow ended up freezing on the sidewalk.
Bad puns are how eye roll.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
Where do sharks go on vacation?
Fin-land.
"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
I heard my son complaining about doing laundry.
He said, 'These just socks'.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
My love for you simply radiates.
"Sometimes I wonder how you put up with me, but then I remember I put up with you, so we're even." - Unknown
Did you hear about the cat who drank 5 bowls of water?
They set a new lap record.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"