A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”

“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”

If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.

"So you see, my son, there is a very fine line between love and nausea." - King Jaffe Joffer, 'Coming to America'

Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.

My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.

I bought my daughter into a radio...
She's not very e-static about it.

After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.

“Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.” -Unknown

Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
Meteorologists.

If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?

It’s been a few years since the invisible man married the invisible woman.
Their kids are nothing to look at.

What do you call a criminal vampire?
A fangster.

The weatherman said it might get a bit drizzly outside.
You can expect a Lil’ Wayne.

My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.

What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.

Why do neurons like e-mail?
The love messages.

Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.

She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"

I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."

What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?

What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.

I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!

Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.

Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe.

There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.

I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.

You’re my heartthrob.

What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.

A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator!

What type of cat will keep your garden looking nice and tidy? A lawn meower.

The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.

What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.

Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.

How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.

Are you sitting on a candle? Because your booty is on fire.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.

I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.

“Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.”
- Douglas Adams

The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.

Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.

What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by again?

Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.

What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!

What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.

Why did the Ghost turn down the job? He could not see himself doing it.