I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
My mom told me that sitting on a computer 8 hours a day in unhealthy
I said: But, mom that's why I am using a chair.
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
Oh, Darling, I'd like to be in your octopus garden
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Why don’t we go somewhere where I can stick a candle in your jack-o-lantern?
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in a pool?
Bob.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
Why wasn't the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing
Avoid pier pressure.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
Fall hardly happens here, but You'll be falling for me.
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
I’m not sure, but I think I’m falling in love with you already.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
What kind of hair explodes?
Bangs.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What do you call 144 kangaroos in a box?
Gross.
Why can't elephants use computers?
Because they're scared of the mouse.
We all know that rooms are just empty spaces, and no one can even dream of making a delicacy out of them. The only room is the mushroom.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.”
Abraham Lincoln
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
"Resting is a part of the process, even if it’s not a part of the plan."
— Carley Schweet
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
Why didn’t the golfer get his homework done?
He wouldn’t stop puttering around.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.