Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
How do Eskimos make their beds?
With sheets of ice and blankets of snow.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
When the going gets tough, let the pins fall where they may.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
There was an Old Man of Vienna,
Who lived upon Tincture of Senna;
When that did not agree,
He took Camomile Tea,
That nasty Old Man of Vienna.
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘Man, just be yourself.'” —Mitch Hedberg
"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."
- Victor Cousin
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
“I can speak Esperanto like a native.”
Spike Milligan
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
Whenever someone wishes me to say "Happy Winter," it always leaves me cold.
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
“When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he’s doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
Want to be workout buddies?
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What does a dog love to eat while watching a movie?
Pupcorn.
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
I was hiking yesterday, when I suddenly ran in to a cougar....
Almost made me puma pants!
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"