She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
What speech did Abraham Lincoln give when he went to Italy?
The Spaghetties-burg Address.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Just found a fly in my beer. I'm feeling buzzed.
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
Roses are blue
And violets are red,
Please reverse,
What I just said.
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
What do you call a cross between a joke and a rhetorical question?
Flowers like our minds, open at the right time. Mine has opened to receive your love.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
My wife and my friends are sick of my puns about The Abominable Snowman.
Yeti keep cracking them.
Why did the tree go to the dentist? To get a root canal.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Hey girl, I put the stud in Bible study.
What do you call the Earth when it is quaking?
Shakesphere.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.
What do you get if you cross a parrot with a woodpecker?
A bird that talks in morse code!
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
Why did the scientist go to the tanning salon? Because he was a paleontologist.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
In Ireland, they really like to ham it up.
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
- Alan Dundes
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
I just heard that the government has made an amendment to lockdown to allow Father Christmas out...
It's called the Santa Clause
Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!