I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
There once was a girl named Sue.
She came down with the case of the flu.
She let out a sigh,
"My temperature is high,
what ever shall I do?
Oh my! Oh my!
I think I will die.
What ever shall I do?"
So, she stumbled out of bed.
"I know I'll take some meds.
If this the flu,
I take an aspirin or two.
Then I'll drink some broth and some juice.
Oh my! Oh my!"
she began to cry.
"I think this is acute."
So, she grumbled back to bed
and pulled the covers over her head.
She let out a sneeze,
a cough and a wheeze.
"Won't someone help me, please?
Oh my! Oh my!
Will I survive
the case of the crazy flu?"
So, she finally fell asleep.
She slept and slept for a week.
She tossed and turned,
her symptoms have passed.
Her temperature normal at last.
"Oh my! Oh my!
I think I survived
this case of the crazy flu."
Just finished my first shift as a lion impersonator.
It was a roaring success.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
“If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.” – Dave Barry
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Gold riddance.
“Boy, those French. They have a different word for everything.”
– Steve Martin
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
What did the weather reporter say to his wife?
“I hope it doesn’t rain, deer!”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Theodore!
Theodore who?
Theodore wasn’t open so I knocked
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
I was holding a bottle of laundry detergent when all of a sudden it exploded, completely drenching my hands.
Oh well. I guess my hands are Tide.
Can I be your next varietal?
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
I bet you play soccer because you're a keeper.
"Do you play the trom-bone?"
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
You make me wanna go inside your wine cabinet and pull myself out a stiff one.
Why is a baseball team similar to a muffin? They both depend on the batter.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Who is a penguin’s favourite family member?
Aunt Artica.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
What’s black, white and red?
A Pilgrim blushing because he’d seen the turkey dressing.
I love you dairy much.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.