My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
I'm not the fig plucker,
nor the fig plucker's son,
but I'll pluck figs
till the fig plucker comes.
-
"I like swimming in a sun shirt. People always look at me like I fell in the pool"
– Jim Gaffigan
Toilet paper plays an important roll in my life, it would be pretty sh**ty without it.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
What happens when you play tug-of-war with a pug?
Pulled pork!
“Every mile is two in winter.”
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
What's the difference between Amazon Prime and the Amazon River? The Amazon River actually has sails.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
I saw an advert in the paper “Yacht for sale”.
As if people don't know what a yacht is for.
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
What TV shows are squeaky clean?
Soap Operas
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What song do vampires hate?
“You Are My Sunshine.”
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
I bought a boat because it was for sail.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
How did the small oven greet the large oven?
He Microwaved.
What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
“Abs are temporary. Chocolate is forever.”
― Unknown
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back, and no we don't know Y.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.