Since getting sober, I decided to go with the cheapest cell phone provider I can find!
Way fewer bars!!!
What’s a pig’s favorite color? Ma-hog-any.
What happened to the Easter bunny at school? He was eggspelled.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
Hey baby, I think I'm going blind. Because I can't see you anymore.
If your imagination hits peak high and you combine a toadstool and a suitcase, you won’t have mushroom for your vacation clothes.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
“Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o’clocks in one day.”
— Terry Pratchett
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat?
A dirty kid!
What did the thirsty mummy do?
They put on a thirst aid bandage.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What is a phone's favorite TV show? Game of Phones.
The bus driver was so friendly and nice, it was a 'joy ride'!
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
What did the alien say to the garden? Take me to your weeder.
A famous turtle is called a shell-ebrity.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
“I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”
- Dave Barry.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
“The tax collector must love poor people, he’s creating so many of them.”
– Bill Vaughan
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
“I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.
“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.
“OOPS!”
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
The only ship that has never docked on their harbor is the premiership.
What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!
If you were in the jungle, and a gorilla charged you, what should you do?
Pay him.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Are you related to the sun? Because running into you just brightened up my day!
"Go, and never darken my towels again."
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
"Pay attention to today's horoscope: Saturn is backtracking and it looks like you're going to be screwed again."
You're like baseball: You make me all nervous