What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris.
After 5 days of extreme pain... the snake died.
I didn't believe in predestination until I met you.
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
I know we just met, but will you marinade me?
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
What is a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
I was just looking at my ceiling. I am not sure if it’s the best ceiling in the world, but it’s definitely up there.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire
The worst thing about living next door to a good gardener is that the grass is always greener on the other side.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
How about we get down to monkey business?
It was mitten in the stars.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Where is the ghost going on holiday the next year? Lake Eerie.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
What is a skeletons favorite meal?
Anything with Ribs.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
I'm debating whether I should cross the river on foot or use my rowboat...
It's row v. wade.