What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Why did Dorothy get lost on her way to the Emerald City? Becuase she was being led by three boys
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
My son asked me if I ate the leftovers he was saving in the refrigerator.
I told him "of course not - I ate them in the living room"
Why did the whisky divorce the glass?
Their marriage was on the rocks!
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
Did you hear about the Irishman that drank 100 liters of stout in just 30 minutes?
They’re calling it a Guinness World Record.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?
“All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy." ~ Spike Milligan
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What’s the difference between a dog and a gator?
A dog’s bark is worse than its bite.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
What does the queen bee of every hive tell their workers to do?
She tells them to bee productive.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Did you hear about the zombie who was expelled from school?
He kept buttering up his teacher!
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Why should you never fight a Gorilla?
They know king kong fu.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
Potatoes have skin. I have skin. Ergo, I am a potato
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
What did the sink say to the water faucet?
You’re a real drip.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
My 4 yr Old son said "Daddy, why do people make up things that their children have said for social media?
Isn't it just inherently dishonest and indicative of inability to construct a compelling narrative themselves? "
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
What do you call an bat with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
What kind of car does a viking drive?
A fjord
What did the mushroom say after the car accident? Help I’m a truffle!
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.