What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.

My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.

“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”

- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’

Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.

What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Pickle

Pickle who?

Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!

After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.

If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.

What does seaweed say when it's stuck at the bottom of the sea? "Kelp! Kelp!"

I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.

Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.

"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver

Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.

My dog recently joined a gang. Now he’s all about that pug-life.

Sometimes you have to green and bear it.

“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.

Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?

Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize

"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman

A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"

Q: What did one tooth say to the other tooth?
A: Thar's gold in them fills!

Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!

What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.

Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.

Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.

For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.

Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.

Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.

It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.

The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.

What do you call a black man on the moon? An astronaut.

"I love you with all my belly. I would say my heart, but my belly is bigger." - Unknown

What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.

A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.

I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.

Werewolves love similes and metafurs.

What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter be quick, I have to go to the bathroom!

What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!

Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!

We should train together, I've heard it's good for bone density.

More candles means a bigger wish!

The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!

What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.