Treat yo'elf.
I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.
Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!
And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!
- Max Scratchamnn
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
You should call us butter because we are on a roll. This would be one of the best volleyball puns to put on a T-shirt.
Just a buffalo laying down, bisoness as usual.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
“Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.”
― Unknown
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
- Ann Landers.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
Is there a magnet in here because I'm really attracted to You.
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
I have a heart-on for you.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
"Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?"
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What did the astronaut see in his frying pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
Artists know how to draw the line, so you can't really peer pressure them.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
He threw three free throws.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
Q: Why is it so windy in England?
A: Because Harry Kane (hurricane) lives there..
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.