I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
"Eggs love you."
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Bowlers pay a lot of money to play. This is because it is a bum per lane.
What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? Floodlights.
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
The Rolling Stones.
I love you so fairy much.
I have a pogo stick made out of vegetables. It’s a spring onion.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
I would hug you after a Bikram Yoga class
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
Girl, are you Netflix?
Because I love watching 'you.'
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
Point me to the nearest bar.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I'd like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
You know, it's not the length of the vector that counts. It's how you apply the force.
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Are you a firework?! Because your lighting up my eyes.
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
Girl, you must be a possessive pronoun because I think you're mine.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
He was foiled.
There once was a bad ghoulish goblin.
Thump, thump on a crutch he was hobblin’.
It was Halloween night.
He dared to give a fright.
But he fell to the ground; he was wobblin’.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
"Stop worrying about the potholes in the road and enjoy the journey."
– Babs Hoffman
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw