I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
What lives at the North Pole and is green, white, and red all over?
A sunburned elf!
"What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?"
- George Carlin
“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
You warm my heart more than the salted caramel hot chocolate on a cold winter day.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
What nature phenomenon is the funniest? A cyclown!
What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies? An ambulance.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why.
'I've lost five dollars,' sobbed Johnny.
'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.'
Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever.
'Now what is it ?' asked his dad.
'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten dollars!'
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
We bee-long together.
It's hunting season and fox like you shouldn't be out in the open!
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
Where did Santa's little helpers go to high school?
They didn't, they were gnome-schooled.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
Did you hear the story about a Golden Retriever who brought a ball back from miles away?
It was far-fetched.
Roses are red,
I have a phone,
Nobody texts me,
Forever Alone.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields
I love you a tot!