“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry." — Rita Rudner
How do winged horses walk if they become pirates?
Peg-asus legs.
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
The local zoo just started a recycling collection program to support its mission: 'When you bring in one can, you can save Toucans.'
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
What do you call a big queue of trucks, making cheesy one-liners? A pick-up line.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
"I believe every human has a finite number of heartbeats. I don't intend to waste any of mine running around doing exercises."
- Neil Armstrong.
"Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I'll ever get to yoga."
- Grant Tucker
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Babe, you are the only brand I desire and I want no substitution.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
I pitcher us together forever.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
I was hoping my friend would catch the lemon-lime soda i tossed her.
But unfortunately Sierra Mist
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
What do you call a father who’s against hand bags?
Antiperspirant.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
A spider, a snake, and a kangaroo walk into a bar…
It’s a normal day in Australia.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
You're a good egg.