Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
I have a connection to make, but first I want to connect with you.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
Will you remember me in a minute?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a week?
Yes.
Will you remember me in a year?
Yes.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
You didn’t remember me!
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What do you call a gray animal with big ears and a large trunk?
A traveling mouse.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
I like you very mulch. I think about you every daisy.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
Elizabeth has eleven elves in her elm tree.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
The se* was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Sorry for not calling sooner, I was budy complaining to Spotify for not naming you the year's hottest single.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
I tried drag racing the other day.
It's murder trying to run in heels.
Why was the software engineer bankrupt? He’d used all his cache.
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
What do you call 2 Mexicans playing tennis?
Juan on Juan!
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
"As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife."
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
Baby you could even make the Cold War hot!