I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.

The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Robin Williams

"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis

How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.

Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.

Why did the cat want to learn to fly?
She wanted to try bats.

I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.

I felt so guilty after I stepped on a snail this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed.

I’m just wondering. Now that you’re here, who’s running heaven now?

Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.

Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?

Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.

If an elf can’t do something right now, how do they handle it?
Shelf it for later.

What two members of the cow family go everywhere with you?
Your calves.

Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job? Because she couldn't control her pupils?

What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns

Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.

My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.

What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.

What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.

Fairies just wand to have fun.

“My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.”—Spike Milligan

All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!

Where does bad light go? PRISM!

What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!

“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain

“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin

What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.

“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.”
Zach Galifianakis

What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!

What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.

Where will you find an FBI sketch artist? In the bureau drawer.

“Some people wake up drowsy. Some people wake up energized. I wake up dead.”
— James Marsden

"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

“Plant carrots in January and you’ll never have to eat carrots.”
— Anonymous

How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Nobody knows because no-one ever watches the conductor.

Do you know Santa?
Because you're not what I wanted for Christmas.

I felt sad for my brother's computer being overclocked because I heard the processor say, "Stop it! It hertz so much!".

What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.

“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”

What do you call a dwarf who sells prosthetic limbs?
A small arms dealer.

Your name must be trigonometry, because you make me want to cry.

I’m so lepre-gone right now.

On the Ark, Noah probably got milk from the cows. What did he get from the ducks?
Quackers

You leave me Wonton more.

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!

When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.

Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.

I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.