The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Wow, seeing you today Ezra-lly a treat!
The day after your birthday,
you look in the mirror to see:
a) you've got a zit from eating all that cake;
b) your love handles have expanded a half inch;
c) you singed your eyebrows blowing out the candles.
The day after your birthday,
a) you require six extra hours of sleep;
b) you can't find your living room under the birthday debris;
c) you wonder how you could possibly have done THAT.
The day after your birthday, it's time to:
a) return some gifts (what IS that, anyway?);
b) call your friends and apologize for yesterday;
c) get out of the country, fast.
The day after your birthday...
we should all look so great
and have it so good!
Happy Birthday!
Appreciate yourself and your life!
(Joanna Fuchs)
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
Why did the fisherman suddenly redirect his boat?
Just for the halibut.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
You know, the heart’s the hungriest organ.
It has the heartiest appetite.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Where do fish wash? In a river basin.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
What do you call a rental car in Spain?
A Barceloaner.
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
"Aries people pick up steam while everyone else is running out of gas."
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
What’s the suns favorite clothes brand?
Kelvin Klein.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
Why do worms have trouble getting up in the morning? Because the early bird catches the worm.
French people give me the crepes.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
Icy what you did there.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
What's a chef's favourite drug?
Pot.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
All gardeners know better than other gardeners.”
— Chinese Proverb
“Candy is nature’s way of making up for Mondays.”
— Rebecca Gober
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that every time he drink tea his eyeball hurts him the doctor brings a cup of tea and handle's it to the man then the man asks for a spoon of sugar after he mixes the sugar he starts to drink tea then he screams as high as he can and say see doctor my eyeball hurts me
The doctor says why don't try to remove the spoon.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
A piano player got arrested at a wedding...
He was trying to root the relatives.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.
Why are the railroad tracks angry? Because people are always crossing them.
What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!
Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. -- Robert Orben
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Can I take a few shots at your goal?
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?