“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
Rocket.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world's largest bed sheet.
More on this story, as it unfolds.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
Look for a rainbow connection.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
Wow Adrian, is that a typo in your name? Because I swear you’re A-Dream.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
“Why can’t the morning news ever say ‘Today has been canceled, now go back to sleep.”
– Unknown
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
Did you see the glitch earlier? You weren’t listed as the top hottest single.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
Why is it so hard for people with asthma to have exciting dates?
The last thing you want is someone to take your breath away!
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
"You had me at merlot."
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
My favorite outdoor activity is the short walk back inside.
Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!
What do teenage deer do at slumber parties?
Truth or deer.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!