What is a dog’s favorite dessert?
Pupcakes.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Kenya
Kenya who?
Kenya guess who is it?
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
"A stupid person laughs three times at a joke; once when everyone else is laughing, a second time when he actually gets the joke, and a third time when he realizes he was laughing without getting the joke at first."
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
It'll become apparent.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
I never knew how lightning worked
Thats until it finally struck me.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Why did the daddy rabbit go to the barber?
He had a lot of little hares.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
“Smiling is mouth yoga.” — Thich Nhat Hanh
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
A classically trainer theater performer just became a spy.
I guess you could say they perform... thespionage
Dust is a disk's worst enemy.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
“It’s a sure sign of summer if the chair gets up when you do.”
-Walter Winchell
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
"I go to the gym three days a week. You have to or else - I don't want to be the guy that dies shoveling snow."
- Douglas Coupland
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
What is a cat’s favorite Tom Hanks character? Furrest Gump.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Birthdays suck,
If they're not for you.
Happy birthday!
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
If you golf on election day…
Be sure to cast an absent-tee ballot.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth?
A mechanic.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
I like you sow much.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
Why do toadstools grow so close to each other? They do not need mushroom to grow.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
“Happy Thanksgiving! This year I’m thankful that your family is so annoying you’re checking Twitter instead of talking to them.” — Stephen Colbert
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Girl, we must be a bipartite graph, because I just thought of an efficient algorithm for finding an optimal matching for the two of us.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane