What is the camels’ favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpty dumpty.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Let’s make like an atom, and split.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
After all is sled and done.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
If you were a tree, you'd be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
What do you call a deer wearing an explosive vest?
Bombi.
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
Q. What do you get if you cross a gorilla with a grizzly bear?
A. Fired from the zoo.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
Are you sure that you’re not a microwave oven? Because, you sure make my heart melt!
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
Why did the Archaeopteryx get the most worms?
Because he was an early bird.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Expand your mind. Get
To work. Better yet, put your
Feet up. Watch TV.
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's out of business. And, speaking of Hershey's, how about a kiss?
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didn’t want to leave his trunk in the baggage car.
“Gravity is the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age”
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get out of the barking lot.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Why are trees the best frenemies? They are great at throwing shade.
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
When are you going to invite me to church?
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
My wife: Did you know a single dolphin can have more than 200 offspring?
Me: Wow How about the married ones?
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
You're like my favourite chocolate bar - half sweet and half nuts!
"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada