I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
Why did the T-Rex eat hamburgers? Because he is a meat eater!
What did the flirty coat say to the jacket?
"Do you hang here often?"
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Two Soviet Ships Collide - One Dies.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
What do computers do on a beach vacation?
Surf the net.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Wow, Charlotte, your name should definitely be Char-hot.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
What do you call a stampeding herd of llamas?
The alpacalypse.
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
"learn to play piano by ear!"
"Thanks, I'd rather use my fingers."
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
Why do so few men end up in Heaven? They never stop to ask for directions
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
What is the only difference between a lion and a tiger? The mane part is missing in a tiger.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
“My favorite animal is steak."
- Fran Lebowitz
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Do you know why the game is called golf? Because all the other four letter words were taken.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.