What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
Why is it so windy inside a stadium?
There are hundreds of fans.
What animals were last to leave the ark?
The elephants as they had to pack their trunks.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Albert Einstein
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you are Cu-Te.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Can I tell you a joke about paper. Nah, never mind, its tearable.
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me young...
I could buy a lollipop.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
What type of flowers does everybody have? two-lips.
“I probably wouldn’t kill so many houseplants if they could scream for food and water the way my pets and children do.”
— Anonymous
What did the lighter color shade tell to its dark lover?
I want hue
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Do you live on Mars? ‘Cause you look out of this world.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
What’s black, white and red all over?
A penguin with a sunburn.
The fiance and I were looking at frames for our wedding photos. My wife couldn't take her eyes off the smaller one, but I wanted the larger one. So I told her,
"Honey, you need to look at the bigger picture."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
If you take the "L" out of LOVER. Its OVER.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.