My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
"No one betrays a Gemini and gets off without a sound ear-bashing."
— Richard MacDonald
"I love you no matter what you do, but do you have to do so much of it?" - Jean Illsely Clarke
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
There was a vampire named Vlad
The Village all thought he was bad
But the true story
Just wasn't gory
It turns out Vlad was just sad.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
My wife has been giving me a hard time about my drinking. Eventually, I agreed to quit cold turkey.
Never cared for leftovers anyway.
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." — Oscar Wilde
What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.
Was Henry VI a ViKing?
I find you very a-peeling.
Are you Hershey's chocolate? Because I would like one kiss from you.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
My father said that there was a bug on my computer. The bug was trying to eat one byte at a time.
Did you hear about the bird that couldn’t pass environmental legislation?
He was a lame duck.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
It's so hot outside the ice cream man just change the sign on the side of his truck to "cream."
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A stamp.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
How is a shoddy furniture manufacturer like a bag of prunes?
They both create loose stools.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
No taxation without representation! But, there is a kiss tax. Strictly enforced and right on the lips.
Where do crows try their luck?
Ma-cau
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.