How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Q: When does a doctor get mad?
A: When he runs out of patients!
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
We’re in a-green-ment.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What's a dancer's favorite Thanksgiving food?
Twerky
People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Elves usually make fantastic listeners since they happen to be all ears.
Do you like strawberries or blueberries? - Cuz I need to know what pancakes to make you in the morning.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
"Dying to have fun."
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
You're like my tea: Hot and British!
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing? Au revoir.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. -- Napoleon
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
What do aspens wear to school? A tree-shirt.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
I got fired from the bomb disposal squad
Too bad, I had a blast working there.
My history textbook says that the pharoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could've just used bricks or something.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!