I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
If you were a fishing fly you'd be 'irresistible'.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
I left my phone under my pillow last night and woke up to coins underneath it. It must have been the Blue-tooth fairy.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
A disappointed Dad tells a knock-knock joke to his teenage son: "Knock knock." "Who's there?" "You're a mountain." "You're a mountain, who?" "You're a mountain to nothing, son!"
What do men and mascara have in common? They both run at the first sign of emotion.
What did the marathoner do after he won the race?
He decided to go into politics and run for office.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
What did the scientist’s cat say? I think I’ve lost an electron, I’m pawsitive!
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
What do mushrooms watch on TV?
Spores.
Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
“My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” —Socrates
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
I love having dinner in a local restaurant. It has a soup-erb speciality that mixes soup and herbs.
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
Does Mr. Otterton listen to Gazelle? Yes he's a rabid fan.
What did one elevator say to the other elevator? I think I'm coming down with something!
What do you say happened to an onion who got what it deserved? You say it got karma-lized.
Why did the dog walk in to the saloon?
He was looking for the man who shot his paw
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
What song do tornados like?
“The Twist.”
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
How many elves does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Frosted Flakes.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Wow Andrew, you seem cool an-drewly gorgeous