What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Do you have to leave so soon? I was just going to poison your drink.
The injured player wanted to congratulate the winner, but he couldn’t walkover to the other side of the court.
I said to my boss the other day, "I need to leave early today, I'm going to be a father!"
"Of course", he replied. "Take the afternoon off."
When I returned to work the next day, my boss came to my desk.
"Well, how'd it go? Is it a boy or a girl?"
"I dunno", I said, "I'll tell you in nine months."
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Why did the fold get arrested?
Because it was caught rolling a joint.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
"Your kisses are to dye for."
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
"Dear Brother of Mine"
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine,
You're just a year older,
which is perfectly fine.
There's no reason,
to worry nor stress.
Just relax,
and go play some chess.
I'm not saying,
your birthday should be boring.
You wouldn't want,
your guests to start snoring.
But keep in mind,
this day is all yours.
So forget about,
doing those chores.
Happy birthday,
dear brother of mine.
Enjoy your birthday,
the next one is mine.
What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? MY ZIPPER!
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a cow?
A kanga-moo.
Where do astronauts go for lunch?
Apollo Loco.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
I see my future like how the Americans spell colour. Without u.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Every time when I see a picture of something amazing in space, I usually say “That’s totally far out.”
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
Can I Alp you?
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
Here's to a big opening weekend.
“I smiled right after getting up. I think I dislocated my face. Good Morning!”
– Unknown
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, “Did you sleep good?” I said, “No, I made a few mistakes.”
– Steven Wright
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
What leads people to Rome?
The scents.
They want some aROMAtherapy.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
"Either he's dead or my watch has stopped."
If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.
I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.