“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop, the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
- Jerry Seinfeld.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
What do you get when you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
When a Minotaur considers himself an optimist is it that he sees his glass as half-bull?
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.” —Dylan Brody
Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
Why was the door glass?
Because the door was ajar
"Even bad coffee is better than no coffee at all." — David Lynch
You have a pizza my heart.
Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...
It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
What kind of pictures do elves love to paint?
Elf-portraits!
I don't mind leg day at the gym.
It's just the two days after that I can't stand.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
How good/bad was the Internet at the time of the Roman Emperors?
Let me put it that way: the lag was so bad it took Jesus three days just to respawn and he got disconnected soon afterwards.
The winter is the worst time of year for a wedding. The grooms always seem to be getting cold feet.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Did you hear about the new WiFi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
What do your call a dinosaur with one eye? Eye-saur.
I think you might be a star because I can’t stop orbiting around you.
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
"It is true that speed kills. In distance running, it kills anyone who does not have it."
Brooks Johnson
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
"No eggs-cuses."
You know what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx