What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
- George Benard Shaw
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
I went to the costume party as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
Sorry to bother you, I think I dropped my heart here. Can you pick it up?
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Shell-abrate the good times!
Why is learning to ski in France so difficult?
'Cause sometimes they won't Alp you.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
You are spud-tacular.
If George Frederic Handel would be born in the modern era, his favorite song would be "Club Can't Even Handel Me."
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Everyone remembers the iconic line from the lesser known Tragedy of Julius Sneezer:
"Achoo, Brute?"
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
I thought I’d surprise my girlfriend for her birthday.
Her: “What are you doing? And why are you shirtless?”
Me: *smiles and nods*
Her: “And you’re covered in… baby oil?”
Me: “Well, you know how you always said I never glisten?”
Her: “Listen. You never listen.”
Me: “Ohhhhhh..”
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
“I like these cold, gray winter days. Days like these let you savor a bad mood.”
– Bill Watterson
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
The castle and court of Camelot were famous for their knight-life.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
What is a light bulb’s favorite kind of news?
Current events.
My mom told me it would be good for my self-esteem if I asked out people who aren't conventionally attractive.
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.