I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
A rockstar, a biker, and a cowboy walk into a bar... There's no punchline, it's just a fantasy of mine.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
That rainbow is so neat, it must be professional gradient.
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour. So, when would you like to start?"
"Could I start In three months?"
Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.
My two cats had a fight today.
They soon hissed and made up though.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
What praise did a bat’s friend deserve? A bat on the back.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why don't crabs donate to charity?
They're shellfish penny pinchers.
There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
What's a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
A blond pushes her BMW into the gas station and tells the mechanic that it died.
After working on it for a few minutes, he has it idling smoothly.
"What's the story?" she asked.
"Just crap in the carburetor," the mechanic replied.
"How often do I have to do that?" asked the blond.
I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
What do you call a Swedish cycling group?
Viking Biking
Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
A spider saw a car he liked at the dealership and decided to take it out for a spin.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.
What do you call witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
French, French Revolution
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
There’s no reason to wine about you.