"Now he's just some bunny that I used to know."
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
What is a dog’s favorite coordinates?
K9.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What do you call an outlaw goat?
Billy the Kid.
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent
It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
What did one Japanese man say to the other? I’ve no idea, I don’t speak Japanese.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes
That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?”
- Milton Berle.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
What do you call an insect that can’t drink milk?
Lactose intoler-ant.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.
What does an alligator do when he loses his tail?
It goes to a re-tail store.
What can you serve and never eat? A volleyball!
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
Are you from the U.K.? Because I want U, K?
The Dead Sea used to be alive...
... but then Chuck Norris swam in it.
My editor told me he didn’t like my citation formatting
He didn’t like id., et al.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Did you know I’m a flower? Because I just need somebudy like you.
The calm before the score
I sulfur when you argon.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
What is a newborn mothers favorite song? Silent night!
“I saw what’s going on under my chin. I don’t want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.” — Joan Rivers
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.