Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
"After about 15 years I finally figured out that she's always right. So surprisingly we just stopped fighting after that." —Barack Obama
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
Summer is like the ultimate one-night stand...hot as hell, totally thrilling, and gone before you know it.
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
I’m not part of the Prohibition Movement. You can speakeasy to me.
I met a man, Stan.
His nature is Afghani.
Yes! Afghanistan.
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What do llamas do when they eat outside together?
They have an alpacanic.
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.
“Even if you are on the right track, you will get run over if you just sit there.” — Will Rogers
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.
What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Why did the chicken family cross the road?
They thought it was an egg-cellent idea.
What does a flower write on their valentine?
Aloe you vera much.
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
I want to stick to you like cyanoacrylate.
“Hello and welcome to Monday. Do you take sugar, cream, or Valium in your morning coffee?”
Why don't potatoes go to parties?
They're scared of the Monster Mash.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
What world-famous rock group has four guys that don't even sing? Mount Rushmore.
Call me on the shellphone.