A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
How was the viking party?
Pretty Loki.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
“You find out who your real friends are when you’re involved in a scandal.”
— Elizabeth Taylor
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Whats The Most tiniest Virus Ever? "smallpox".
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
If you were a tree, you’d be an evergreen, because I bet you look this good year-round.
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Did you hear about the witch who got plastic surgery?
She looked really good afterworts.
A friend of mine was taking a bath when he realised he wasn’t a very good burglar.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
“Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.” – Will Rogers
What do you call a goat that acts immaturely?
A silly billy.
What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
What did one aspiring wig say to the other aspiring wig? I wanna get a head!
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
My physics professor told me I had potential
Then he pushed me off the roof.
What kind of blanket has the most patience?
A weighted blanket.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What do you call a knight made entirely out of china?
Sir Ramic.
You know you’re getting old when…
You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
You shift my emotional oxy-hemoglobin saturation curve to the left! Easy to bind, hard to let go...
The only crime I will ever commit is stealing your heart.
Knock knock.
Come in.
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
Do you know the easiest way to stop squirrels from playing soccer in your garden is to hide the ball? Well, it drives them nuts.
Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.