How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
The guy who got arrested for eating batteries…. He is to be charged in the morning.
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
How do you scare a man? Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice! How is a man like a used car? Both are easy to get, cheap, and unreliable!
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
Hey, want to get together sometime since we both have unpaired electrons?
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
Wow, you have a the chin of Superman. I bet you could take a serious punch.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
“Climbing to the top of the mountain is fun, but everything is just downhill from there.”
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Shamrocks and shenanigans for all!
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...
I dropped my cactus the other day
Worst part is, I caught it
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
“Husband secretly lowers the thermostat and I secretly turn it back up. We both vehemently deny touching it. Marriage is fun.”—Stephanie Ortiz
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
Norwegian archeologists have uncovered the very first Viking parenting book.
The title, translated into modern language, is *It Takes a Pillage*.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."