What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?
What happened when an icicle landed on the skier's head?
It knocked him out cold!
Why are trees such great thieves? They really have sticky fingers.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
The chicken got sent off in the middle of the match because of their persistent fowl play.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Icy what you did there.
What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!
Why do women take baths to relax?
Because it's too hard to drink wine in the shower.
I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.
Quasimodo would’ve been a great detective
He always had a good hunch.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
Where do American trees like to go for vacations in Canada? Montreeal.
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
I've had bad luck with European women:
Ginger Vitis -- such bad breath
Anna Phalaxis -- kept fainting
Anne Gina -- broken heart (her brother-in-law Arthur Itis was such a pain)
Di Abetes -- too sugary sweet
Pam Creatis -- made me sick to my stomach
Lauren Gitis -- too quiet
Rose Acea -- A bit rash for me
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
I went to my kid's school for an art exhibition
It was paper view.
What did one plate say to the other? Dinners on me
What did the wise papa fish tell his son?
Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What did the Japanese skeleton put in his sushi?
Bone-ito flakes.
It’s so cold we had to salt the hallway.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
"Just don't carrot all."
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!