I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
“You fool! You’re 30 cents away from having a quarter!” –Sweet Dick Willie (Robin Harris)Do the Right Thing
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds."
- Cindy Garner.
Its ok to kiss a nun....
But don't get into the habit.
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.”
Ann Landers
"I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died."
- Richard Diran
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
You must be a birthday, because each time you come near,
I get so very excited, and so very full of cheer!
You must be the new year, because each time you come round,
All I do is want to celebrate, and make a joyous sound!
You know, less teeth means more tongue.
Why didn’t the zombie stay in town?
There was a new head strong sherif in town!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." —Jackie Mason
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
What is red, white, and blue? A sad candy cane.
What is a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai tree.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lock
Lock who?
Lock who it is, after all this time!
What do you call a horse running on a table?
A counter canter.
The way you talk to me leaves me aphasic.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
What's a sheep's favorite art style?
Baa's Relief
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Which local sportswriters are most effusive? Those who work in the praise
box!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
“I know family comes first, but shouldn’t that mean after breakfast?”
- Jeff Lindsay.
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
What do you call a polyarmourus deceased gorilla?
Harembe.
Why did the skeleton have to testify in court?
Because he was a body of evidence.
Hershey factories make millions of kisses a day, but I’m asking for only one.
Can I buy you an Easter Egg?
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.