There once was a girl called Jane,
who thought she had a really big brain.
She thought she was cool,
standing in a puddle of drool,
but really she was just insane.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Why was the man who hung tennis equipment from his ears arrested?
He was found guilty of racket-ear-ring
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
How do ghouls like their meals?
Absolutely terrified!
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
Busy Cat
I'm 8 AM and time to nap
It's 10 AM and time to relax
It's 12 PM and time to doze off
It's 3 PM and time to zonk out
It's 6 PM and time to slumber
It's 9 PM and time to snooze
It's 12 AM and time to sleep
It's 4 AM and time to hang upside down
from your bedroom ceiling, screaming
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
Who has better beer: Rabbits or Kangaroos?
Kanagaroos. While they both do great with the hops, Kangaroos just have a little more kick!
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
What's a goat's favorite organ?
A Kid-ney
“Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.”
― Dean Koontz
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
The only thing tender today is my heart for you
"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."
- Ray Romano
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
"The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner." -Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
Why did the police arrest a cup of snow?
For just-ice
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
"You bake me crazy."
“I need a vacation so long, I forget all my passwords!”
When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.
Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk? Because he wanted to work over-time!
Sip, sip, horray!
Whenever I look at you I see something more desirable than chocolate.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
“All kidding aside, if everyone did yoga, we would have world peace.” — Rory Freedman
Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
If I’d give you eleven roses, what would you see in the mirror? A dozen roses.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse