I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
I heard some crows communicating after one of their own was injured.
They were caws for concern.
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
What caused the airline to go bankrupt? Runway inflation.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
“The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.
– Mark Twain
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Hey there cyclist, I'll be your mechanic if you'll be my ride.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
My marriage is slowly turning into a melon farm. I keep hearing Honeydew this, Honeydew that.
My friend told me he had to leave the play after Act l. Knowing he'd waited forever to see it, I asked him why. He said the program stated that Act ll was two years later, and he refused to wait that long.
I really like you. So does my wife.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
What did the lobsterman say when his crate turned up empty?
It a-piers we have a problem.
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What did the bear say when he got a joke? He just bear-ly had a chuckle!
Chuck Norris can cut a knife with butter.
I love meat. I think going vegetarian would be a big missed steak.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
“Everyone wants me to be a morning person. I could be one, only if morning began after noon.”
— Tony Smite
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
I look at you and all the facts
I can't believe your age and how you act.
The number might suggest your old
That you should be shriveled and full of mold.
But, hey look at you
You're young in all you do
The number doesn't mean a thing
As long as you can still sing.
So may this little rhyme and verse
Be one that you don't curse.
Smile and be happy today
Remember, it's your birthday!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
"Everyone’s a little bit crazy and a little bit loud. But everyone’s sharing a generous amount of love."
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
Fame changes a lot of things, but it can't change a light bulb.
Gilda Radner
“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
There was an Old Man of Kildare,
Who climbed into a very old chair;
When he said,-- "Here I stays,--
till the end of my days,"
That immovable Man of Kildare.
Did you hear the one about the genius unicorn who aced every subject? Yeah, he was a real A corn.
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
There was an old lady from Ghent,
who slept on a bed of cement.
Her bed was well used,
and her body well bruised,
and the back of her head had a dent.