How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
Milk trucks always drive so fast, don’t they? You blink and they’re already pasteurize.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”
Groucho Marx
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
My buddy was cast in Snow White and The Seven Dwarfs, but he was still angry because he wasn't Happy.
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
There are three kinds of people in this world:
Those who can count, and those who can't.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Did you hear the joke about the lumberjack, The sheep and the goat?
I wood tell ewe, but it’s a baaaaaad joke
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
Where do sheep go to get haircuts? To the Baa Baa shop!
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
How do trains eat?
They chew chew.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”
- Eddie Izzard.
Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
How much will $20 get me?
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
Our local store had a problem with people stealing their feminine hygiene products,
so they installed a padlock.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
What do you call a blood vessel that's mad with power?
A Megalovieniac.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning.
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.
"A Cancer's bed is their sanctuary. Therefore, if you can't find them, look under the down comforter."
— Unknown
I don’t know your name, but I’m sure it’s as beautiful as you are.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
There is no theory of evolution.
Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.