"Rosé all day."
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
If you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
My last girlfriend left me for being unnecessarily mysterious...or DID she?
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
I always like to keep my place stocked with coffee and breakfast food in case I don't wake up alone.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
What is American football called in other countries?
30.48 cm ball.
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
Call me Kathleen Wynne ‘cause I’d spend all my money on you.
Question: Why did the cranberries turn red?
Answer: Because they saw the turkey dressing!
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put ewe and I together.
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
The coffee shop kept samples of burnt coffee as evidence to fire their roaster.
It was used as grounds for dismissal.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
What do you call it when a sloth eats a second plate of food?
Slothy seconds
What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Shave a single shingle thin.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What has 34 legs, 9 heads and 2 arms? Santa Claus and his reindeer.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Two Convicts Evade Noose, Jury Hung
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s not mushroom in the enchanted forest.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
Justice is a dish best served cold
Because otherwise it would be justwater.