What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What’s a vampire bat’s favorite food?
I-scream!
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
A man visits a televangelist and asks him to help him with his hearing. The televangelist grabs his heads and violently shakes it back and forth for several minutes, screaming and shouting. After the violent gesture ends the televangelist looks at him and says, “How is your hearing?”
The man replies, “I don’t know yet. It’s not until next Monday at 12:00.”
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
“A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.” —Dave Barry
A man, during his night prays, asks God: "Oh, Lord... Why you’ve made women so beautiful?"
God replies: "So you can love them, my child."
"Fine, but my Lord, why you’ve made them so stupid?"
"So that they can love you back..."
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space. I mean, what a thing to say to a friend.
It totally ruined our bath!
What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
There was an Old Man of Nepaul,
From his horse had a terrible fall;
But, though split quite in two,
By some very strong glue,
They mended that Man of Nepaul.
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
What is a dinosaurs least favorite reindeer? Comet.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
My zebra is a rubbish ballet dancer. I think he’s got two left feet.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common? All invented by women.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
Where does a fish keep his money In the River Bank!
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
Teacher: "If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?"
Little Johnny: "Big hands!"
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
I don’t need to be a doctor to diagnose you with acute smile.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
If you missed essential tomato cooking class
You can’t ketchup.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
"I am the friend you have to explain to your other friends before they meet me."
— Unknown
How do frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!