The peach couple from school is totally in love. They seem so perfect for peach other.
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
What did the rainwater say as it ran off the road.
Grate.
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What did the monster say when he saw a rush hour train full of passengers? Oh good! A chew chew train!
If I had a nickel for every time I received a nickel, I would have an infinite amount of nickels.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
Hey, baby. I'm calling myself Han because you need to be Solo.
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
How do you know if it's too hot in the chicken barn?
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Why is everyone mad when the pig crosses the road?
Because he’s a road hog.
The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Chuck Norris can start a fire with an ice cube.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Why do cats have minty breath? Because they use mousewash
So how many cats do you have?
“In order to maintain a well-balanced perspective, the person who has a dog to worship him should also have a cat to ignore him.” —Peterborough Examiner, Canada
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
What did the deer say to her daughter?
“Soon you’ll be all doe-n up!”
What happened when the artist tried to draw a cube? He suffered from a mental block.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
What did the conductor say when he became a zombie?
Traaaaaaaaiiiinsss!!!
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
“A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawnmower is broken.”
– James Dent
Could you tell me the oxidation state of this atom and your phone number?
Circumcision Now Seen As Pointless.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What do you call a mythical being working in a smoothie store?
Mejuicea.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.