When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What is a bear’s favorite soda?
Coca Koala.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
What do you call heels on ski boots?
Ski lifts.
Keeping tropical fish in your home has a calming effect on the brain
because of the indoor fins.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Coworker: Hey, I reallly like your hair! What's your secret?
Me: Thank-you! I don't get very many complements on it. Most people are gel-ous.
When it was raining yesterday, I saw a man use ketchup and I got quite shocked. It is only later that I learnt he was taking advantage of the raining cats and hot dogs.
Pepperoni is red, cheese is food
I like pizza
How about you?
(Justin Worthy)
What do you get if you cross a frog and a dog?
A croaker spaniel.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Some people say popcorn is hard to chew. There’s a kernel of truth to that.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
“A photographer gets people to pose for him. A yoga instructor gets people to pose for themselves.” — Terri Guillemets
What do you call a set of musical dentures?
Falsetto teeth.
Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.
What did Santa name his dog? Santa Paws!
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
The perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving is to put super glue on your lips.
If you're not able to eat your Thanksgiving dinner, it can't go straight to your hips.
That's the perfect way to avoid overeating this Thanksgiving.
But if you can't get your lips unstuck, one week later you'll no longer be living.
- Randy Johnson
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
As I only have two factors, I’m the prime candidate for you.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
I am reading a horror story in Braille.
Someone is going die, I can feel it.
I feel like Medusa was in some rocky relationships.
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." — Albert Einstein
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.