Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
Do you know why diarrhea is hereditary? Because it runs through your jeans. What would you do if I stole a kiss? Call the Police
My moment in the sun.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type… But he was a good man. His last words to us were, “Be positive!”
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
Why do seals swim in salt water ?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
“Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.” - Maggie Kuhn
There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
"Sweet Misery"
When I fell in love with you,
it made a wreck of me.
I feel so dazed and dizzy
that it’s hard for me to see.
I get too hot and sweat a lot.
I hardly eat a bite.
My pulse beats like a kettle drum
and keeps me up at night.
My stomach hurts, and I go down
as if I’ve got the bends.
Love’s causing me sweet misery–
I hope it never ends!
— Susanna Rose
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
A student had a heart attack when she saw the grade on her exam
She passed.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
I like my partners, like how i like my fast-food meals. Extra-large!
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
World is vast and wide.
So much out there to explore.
Right now, let's eat lunch.
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
John, you have so much po(tato)tential!
A blue man gives you a pineapple. A man with a horse for a head gives you a blender. A man with seven feet on each leg gives you a dragonfruit. What do you have?
Schizophrenia
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
Two muffins are sitting in the oven.
One says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.” The other one says, “Sure is. Probably about 350 degrees Fahrenheit.”
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.