Love is blind.
Marrying a man, on the other hand, is a real eye opener.

My sheep-powered computer was starting to run slowly
So I added more ram

Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"

What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite

Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.

Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

Roses are red, I’m not wearing a suit,
Carrots are not vegetables, they are actually fruit.

Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!

A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!

What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.

Did I Elijah’st fall in love?

What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.

There was an Old Man of New York, Who murdered himself with a fork;
But nobody cried though he very soon died,-
For that silly Old Man of New York.

“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”

Be a winner, date a swimmer!

It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.

"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."

“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
— George Carlin

What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!

Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.

I woke up to a funny noise, it went scrape, scrapity, scrape,
It did not sound like flesh or foul, like halibut or hake,
It was the ghost of Long Tom Mouse, a phantom rodent dark,
Who’s haunted every bungalow, from here to Duthie Park.

Some say he met a grisly end at the paws of an old tom cat,
While others say a carving knife sliced him here upon this mat,
But never mind, we have no time for hairy, scary, talks,
His spirit now it is abroad, he creeps, he creaks, he walks!

And on a silver moonlight night when owls do hoot and cry,
Please turn your face o’er to the wall as old Long Tom goes by,
Be sure to leave some cheese and curds, some token of respect,
Or else he’ll haunt your skirting boards when e’re you least suspect!

- Max Scratchamnn

What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.

Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!

Baby you make my telescope expand.

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koala-fications

Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."

Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?

What the motto of a Boy Scout who got a badge for fixing a bicycle horn?
Beep Repaired!

SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.

What travels all over the world, but stays in a corner?

A stamp

What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?

Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.

What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.

How do you stop two blind men from fighting?
You yell, “look out, he's got a knife!"

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.

Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"

Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.

The turkey shot out of the oven

and rocketed into the air,

it knocked every plate off the table

and partly demolished a chair.

- Jack Prelutsky

Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing

“Nascar would be so much more entertaining if they threw banana peels and turtle shells.”

With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.

A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.

You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.

How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.

My son claims that he identifies as an ancient Greek string instrument.
Frankly, I think he's a lyre.

Was Henry VI a ViKing?

What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.

There’s snow one like you.