“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.”
- Anthony Anderson
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
Why is wind power popular? Because it has a lot of fans!”
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
To whom did the squirrel go to seek out his fortune.
Nutradamus.
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
Don’t pass on this party – rush on over.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
"Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth." – Peter Ustinov
Which fish go to heaven when they die?
Angelfish.
How does spider man always come up with such clever comebacks?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
"I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society."
— George W. Bush
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
"I really don't think I need buns of steel. I'd be happy with buns of cinnamon."
— Ellen DeGeneres
How heavy are your bones?
They are scale-a-ton.
Wear green, or leaf.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
I'm thinking about buying a weighted blanket.
This is a most heavy decision.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Wow you’re the most beautiful girl I Eva seen
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Where does a turtle go when it's raining?
A shell-ter.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
What did the snail say to the other who had hit him and run off? I'll get you next slime!
You don’t look like such a proper noun to me.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
Why can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s dead.
What does a runner lose after winning the race?
His breath.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.