How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.

Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.

"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"

How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.

“How to get a yoga body: 1. Have a body 2. Do yoga.” – Unknown

"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."

“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”

Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.

The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.

Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "I'll never drink again," I'd have just enough for a 12-case.

My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.

Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.

Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.

Q: What game show did pharaohs like the most?
A: The $20,000 pyramid.

“Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.”

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

I'd got to bat for you, babe.

What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.

What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.

Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?

Old gorillas never die, but they do go bananas.

As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"

If you’re lacking a little good cheer,
Go and tickle a bull in the rear.
For I’m sure that the rumor,
That they’ve no sense of humor,
Is a product of ignorant fear.

Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!

A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.

Even the heaviest chandelier is pretty light.

A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"

Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.

All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.

Man: "If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U and I together."
Woman: "They got it right the first time with the N and O."

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Yah.
Yah who?
No, I prefer Google.

"Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose more money than any single person in your life with the possible exception of your kids."
― Harvey Mackay

Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.

Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.

When we were young, we had this myth that lightning bolts go all the way to cloud 9.

Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?

“The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
— Dudley Moore

When is a turkey scary?
When it's a goblin.

What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!

If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.

You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.

What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.

Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’

Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"

How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.

"Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away." —Robert Orben