When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
What did one cloud of fog say to the other?
I don’t know. It’s a mistery.
"If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars." ~ J. Paul Getty
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
What do you call a Spanish football player with no legs?
Gracias.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
Q. What did they serve with nacho cheese at stag parties?
A. Deer-itos.
You can’t predict wind speeds with certainty. The best you can do is make a gust-imate.
What do you call a Bee who is having a bad hair day? A Frisbee.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."
The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?"
The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Why do you need six players to carry the volleyball to the game? No one can carry the volleyball and a whole team.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
The story of the chicken and cow running away together sounds like a cock and bull story to me.
Why did the deer get braces?
He had buck teeth.
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.
We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.
You are pitcher perfect.
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.
Sorry we missed puppy class.
My dog was wagging. There goes his oppawtunity for pawfect attendance…
What does Earth get on Earth day ?
A birthday quake !
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
Twinkle twinkle little pie,
You squash my willpower like a fly.
You look so innocent and so sweet,
Convince my lips that we should meet.
You are a relentless flirt,
Oh no, we had indecent dessert.
Twinkle twinkle help appears,
A Stevia leaf erased my fears.
It made my willpower a superhero,
As for calories it has zero.
Twinkle twinkle Truvia™ star,
It has natural sweetness I love just what you are.
(Michael Hack)
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
The turtle had to cross the road in order to get to the Shell station.
I had a shell of a time when I attended the costume party as a turtle.