"Life seems to fade our memory, so on this birthday I will forget yours if you forget mine!" - Kate Summers
I'm an outfielder – I'll catch you.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
Hey, remember back when we were a thing… Yeah… Good times.
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Are you from Mars? Because your a** is out of this world!
What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
My four year old has been learning Spanish all year and still can't say the word please.
Which I think is poor for four.
What’s the best way to make a bull sweat?
Put him in a tight jumper.
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"- Barry Cryer
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
“Running a marathon takes balls, other sports just play with them.” – Unknown
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.