Where do school-going vampires carry their books?
In bat-packs.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
“I love the early hours of the day. It’s a nice place to visit but I wouldn’t want to live there.”
— James Lileks
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
“I say if you love something, set it in a small cage and pester and smother it with love until it either loves you back or dies.” — Mindy Kaling
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a poison frog?
A croakadile.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
"We found eggs in a hopeless place."
I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
Are you doctor recommended? Because I’d like to to get a Hailey dose
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
There once was a girl named Sam
Who did not eat roast beef and ham
She ate a green apple
Then drank some Snapple
Some say she eats like a lamb.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What do confused owls say?
Too-whit-to-why?
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What do you call a bat with the flu?
An airborne disease.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard
“When it comes to staying young, a mind-lift beats a face-lift any day.” – Marty Buccella
Who is a beaver's most favorite pop singer ever? Justin Beaver.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
I’m soy into you.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
If you're keen on stunning kites and cunning stunts,
buy a cunning stunning stunt kite.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
Don’t give into beer pressure.
“It’s bizarre that the [grocery store] produce manager is more important to my children’s health than the pediatrician.”
Unknown