You can stop running after your dreams. I am right here.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
"Did you hear how the baker proposed to his girlfriend?"
"Yeah, he told her he loafed her more than life itself"
"No, he actually told her how much he kneaded her"
“I only like lemons,”
Said Michael zestfully.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
How does it feel to be the only star in the sky?
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
A woman is on trial for beating her significant other with a guitar. “First offender?” the judge asked.
“No” she replied. “First a Gibson , then a Fender”.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.
“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
So a guy buys a PlayStation and starts an EA game.
Pay just $9.99 to unlock the rest of this joke!
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
Why are there old dinosaur bones in the museum? Because they can't afford new ones!
I’ll open your heart like Nixon opened the door to China in ’72.
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
Why are pigs awful basketball players?
They hog the ball.
Baking and Fire Safety can go hand-in-hand.
Stop, drop and roll
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
How long did it take Lancelot to cross the road?
All knight.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
"Yoga is a way of getting totally drunk – not on alcohol but on life."
- Sadhguru
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
"I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol."- Steven Write
Can you drive my car?
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Thanksgiving is over… Want to watch Christmas movies and chill?
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What is a mathematician's favorite part of a big Thanksgiving feast?
Pumpkin pi.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p.e.n.i.s?
The spine.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
When Smokey died in a forest fire, how did his body get to the cemetery ?
Pallbears.