Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
Cycle with me? I feel like I’m on a whole other gear when I’m with you!
What did the Pharaoh tell the man who tried to sell him a pyramid? "Well, that's the last thing I need."
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
What did the deer say when her crush told her a joke?
“You are doe funny!”
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.
After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.
Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
What do snowmen eat for lunch?
Icebergers!
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based off of old Greek and Roman performances
That's playgarism if you ask me.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
“A child is a curly dimpled lunatic." – Ralph Emerson
What did the car call his new band?
Back Seat Boys.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
I think, therefore I’m single.
Swiping can be such dangerous territory, but I think I’ve a Safe Harper in this match
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
On Halloween night, the walking dead clones
Shuffle around with mumbled grunts and groans
But have no fear
When they come near
They would rather die, than turn off their phones!
I hate being patronized.
By the way patronized means they speak with a sense of superiority and are condescending
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
You're so sweet, your giving me cavaties.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
This foundation is rock salad.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do I smell like your mom/dad?
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”
- Dana Snow.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
My girlfriend tried to make me have se* on the hood of her Honda Civic…
But I refused. If I’m going to have se*, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
"99 Dogs"
I saw two people heading off for a walk
with 99 dogs in a pack.
So, I asked them why they had so many dogs,
and they thought for a while and said back,
“We’ve tried having different numbers of dogs:
from a lot to hardly any.
The lesson we’ve learned is 98’s not enough
but 100 dogs is too many.”
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
“I made my money the old-fashioned way. I was very nice to a wealthy relative right before he died” — Malcolm Forbes
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.