How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?
They say that Disney World is "the happiest place on earth".
They've obviously never been in your arms.
Everywhere’s a palace when I get to be with Alice
That Kenyan black smells wonderful! May I try it? Normally I stick to English Breakfast, but I’m always open to experimenting.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
Caesar accused Brutus of cannibalism. "Ate dudes, Brutus?"
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
"Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does."
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.
"I mead more wine."
Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.
What do bees chew?
Bubmble gum.
My physics teacher told me i had so much potential, so much energy.
Then I fell down the stairs and lost it all.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
“Sooner or later we all quote our mothers." – Bern Williams
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
There’s so much to do here so I’m never Bordeaux-ed.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
You're the macaroni to my cheese.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
A loyal warrior will rarely worry why we rule.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. "You mean martini?" the bartender asks. The Roman replies, "Slow down there! I'll let you know when I want more."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Just hangin' with my gnomies.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
"I Know You Like Me Best"
Daddy, I know your secret,
That you've tried to keep suppressed,
I promise I won't tell anyone,
But I know you like me best!
Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!
What do you call a dinosaurs fart? "A blast from the past"
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
No matter how much she trimmed the particular strand of grass, the unruly grass kept on growing- what a grass-cal!
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
You must be a magician, because everytime I look at you, everyone else disappears.
What are Astronauts doing when they do a mistake?
They Apollogize
I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.