What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
If a crocodile never admits he is wrong, he must be in de-nile..
What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?
Viola.
"You had me at merlot."
What do you call a large gorilla who appears to be in a bad mood?
Sir.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Nothing really mattress.
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
There are approximately 1,010,300 words in the English language.
But I could never string together enough words to properly express how beautiful you are.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
What do turkeys and women have in common?
A lot of guys are only interested in their breasts.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
“So. Monday. We meet again. We will never be friends—but maybe we can move past our mutual enmity toward a more-positive partnership.”
— Julio Alexi Genao
People are always after me lucky charms.
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What did the two coffee lovers say on their wedding day? We were meant to bean together.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
What did the doctor say to the skeleton who had a temperature of 103 degrees?
- Looks like you are running a femur.
It’s so hot you can pull a leaf off a tree and iron with it.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
What do llamas always say after yoga class?
“Llamaste.”
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.