If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
What’s an ig?
A snow house without a loo!
What do you call an elephant with an aerial on his head?
An elephant-enna.
"Say you'll be wine."
What's a frog's favorite flower?
A croakus.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after my first day at work.
Deep down I realized it wasn’t for me.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What is a koala bear’s favorite mixed drink? A pina koala.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Chuck Norris is what Willis was talkin about.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.
Because all of his genes are dominant.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
"Driving is a spectacular form of amnesia. Everything is to be discovered, everything to be obliterated."
– Jean Baudrillard
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
Do you know how many famous men and women were born on your birthday?
None, only babies.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
"I have been to almost as many places as my luggage."
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
Be a winner, date a swimmer!
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
This coffee is steaming up my glasses or is that just you?
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body..
He’ll be born in March.
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
There are 4 rings men need for marriage - The first is an engagement ring, then a wedding ring, then suffe-ring and endu-ring.
My wife said we needed to have a serious talk about my obsession with furniture.
I said we could table it for now.
Does all this rain make you want an ark?
I Noah guy.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
You cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo and you end up with a turtle
neck jumper.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child's attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
- Lane Olinghouse.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Ah! The element of surprise.
A salesman knocks on a door and a little kid answers. The kid's got a cigar in one hand and a beer in the other. Salesman says, "Are your parents home?" Kid says, "What do you think?"