What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
If marriage is grand, what is divorce?
Ten grand!
What did one mole say to the other?
We have great chemistry together.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
I C Major potential in us getting together.
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Police are investigating a string of homicides which have occurred over the last two weeks. The victims have identified as Cap'n Crunch, Toucan Sam, Tony the Tiger, and the latest victim, Lucky the Leprechaun.
They are looking for a cereal killer.
Fortune-teller was killed by a car bomb
Couldn’t foresee the C4.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What does a twelve-pound mouse say to a cat? 'Here Kitty, kitty, kitty'!
I don't usually brag about my drum jokes but um...
tss
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Another candle on your cake?
Well, that's no cause to pout.
Be glad that you have strength enough
To blow the d*** thing out.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Cherries are the worst soft fruits to watch scary movies with. They spend the whole time hiding behind a cushion as they are cherrified.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
“The learned fool writes his nonsense in better language than the unlearned, but still ‘this nonsense.”
– Benjamin Franklin
Why did the artist get into a heated argument with the gallery curator? He just wasn't in the right frame of mind.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
I’m glad that you’re my mother,
Kind and caring and strong.
Because surely no-one else,
Could have put up with me this long!
What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
What kind of musical instrument do mice play? A mouse organ! Why do mice have long tails? Well, they'd look silly with long hair!
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
Local glass blower inhaled whilst working. He ended up with a pane in his stomach.
- Do old zombie actors ever die?
- Yes, they sometimes drop a part.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
It’s all so good –
Turkey and ham,
Macaroni and cheese, dressing and cranberry sauce,
Chocolate cake, pumpkin and potato pie.
Thanksgiving is just the beginning
Of the holiday season,
And already, I’m getting bigger and bigger.
My jeans are telling me I should skip Christmas.
- Natasha Niemi
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns
When do chickens go to bed?
Half past hen!
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.