What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
“The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.”
Joan Rivers
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
“Deep summer is when laziness finds respectability.”
– Sam Keen
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
Two Sisters Reunite after Eighteen Years at Checkout Counter.
What’s a shark’s favorite bible story?
Noah’s Shark.
“Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with." ~From a Washington Post word contest
Mountains aren't funny....? They're hilarious.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
What do a sword and a piano have in common?
They can both B sharp.
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
"Here for the right riesling."
What do you call someone with fruit in one ear and whipped cream in the other?
A trifle deaf.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
What do you call a fishing boat with a great stereo?
bass boat.
Are you German? Cuz you’re a Nein and I’m the one Ja need.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
I just tossed a penny into the fountain, want to make my wish come true?
Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs!
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
Why is the moon so conceited at times?
It becomes full of itself.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
If I’m reading their lips correctly,
my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Why didn't the artist replace his kitchen sink? Because he said that if it's not baroque, don't fix it.
Man: What are you looking at?
Woman: Somethin ugly!