This headlamp isn’t the only thing getting turned on tonight.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
"My cat doesn't like you."
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
What kind of shark is always gambling?
A card shark.
Have you ever wondered which part of the flamingo has the most feathers? I found out once – turns out it’s the outside.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.
If you ask me if I love you I'll have to plead the 5th. Don't want to incriminate myself.
Did you hear the plum joke? A: It was pitiful.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
A blond meets up with a friend as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
"Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness," the blond replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah, but he didn't. I was so relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid!"
Make it rein.
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
Corona virus has caused our local supermarket to sell out of pasta.
All because of a fusilli people.
What game does the sky love to play?
Twister.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
What do you call a grizzly bear who gets caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
How did you get to be such an amazing man?
Never have I seen someone who can do all you can.
I look at you and gasp in awe,
You are the best that I ever saw.
You are the perfect man for any woman,
You’re just so good at making me grin.
Everything you do is so perfect for me,
You are precisely my cup of tea.
Now I suppose I should give credit where credit is due,
And remind myself that I did a great job retraining you!
(Unknown)
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
"The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise."
Anonymous
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spain!
Spain who?
Spain to have to keep knocking on this door!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.