What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
You look a lot like my next victim.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."
Why is winter the least popular time of year for a wedding?
Because the grooms always get cold feet!
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
What do ghosts use to wash their hair?
Shamboo.
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
Happy birthday to you,
You still look the same over the years,
Some sort of makeup you use,
Oh I did not mean to make fun,
Because you always look number one
Stay blessed!
Give a Englishman some tea and you'll make him happy for a day.
Teach him how to grow tea, and he'll colonize your country.
Wanna hear a joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.
Would you like to come to my place and light my Yule log?
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What do you get when you cross a fridge with a radio? Cool Music
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
What does the winged horse do after it goes to the bathroom?
Pegaflushes.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
You must be phylum because you seem to be above class.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
It’s a season of giving, so you should give me your phone number.
"Now We Are Six"
When I was One,
I had just begun.
When I was Two,
I was nearly new.
When I was Three
I was hardly me.
When I was Four,
I was not much more.
When I was Five,
I was just alive.
But now I am Six,
I’m as clever as clever,
So I think I’ll be six now for ever and ever.
– A.A. Milne
There was an Old Person of Spain,
Who hated all trouble and pain;
So he sat on a chair,
With his feet in the air,
That umbrageous Old Person of Spain.
My son just said to me that he doesn't understand cloning.
I said, "That makes two of us".
I’m a hockey player; of course my stick is curved!
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
One of the punny pig names for a pig that loves Shakespeare is Hamlet.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!
If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
You asked me what love was and I did not know how to answer it. Now I know it's a feeling that can not be mastered.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.