What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!

Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.

If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.

Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.

Why don’t dogs bark at their feet?
It isn’t polite to talk back to your paw.

Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink

Do you play hockey? 'Cause I wouldn't mind poke-checking you.

What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.

A student made our teacher so angry, they flipped their desk
Oh, the tables have turned

What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!

The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.

“Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn’t expect to be paid back." ~Author Unknown

It’s so cold the school nurse has to use a steamer to remove the instruments from the lips of the brass band members after the concert.

If we shouldn’t eat at night, why do they put a light in the fridge?

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal decide to play hide-and-seek. Einstein is "It," closes his eyes, counts to 10, and then opens them. Pascal is nowhere to be seen. Newton is sitting right in front of Einstein, with a piece of chalk in his hand. He's sitting in a box drawn on the ground, a meter to one side. Einstein says, "Newton, you're terrible, I've found you!" Newton says, "No no, no. You've found one Newton per square meter. You've found Pascal!"

Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.

What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.

What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”

Best in snow.

“I’m not aging, I just need repotting.”
— Anonymous

Did you ever hear the joke about the three holes in the ground?
Well, well, well.

"Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors... and miss."
- Robert A. Heinlein

Babe, your eyes are bluer than the ocean Columbus sailed… and I’m lost at sea.

happens when you bother the parietal lobe?
It gets very touchy.

"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston

Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.

You should see what I can do with ice.

Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.

Where should you never take your dogs shopping?
The flea market.

I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.

I want you. I knead you.

"My Doggy Ate My Essay"

My doggy ate my essay.
He picked up all my mail.
He cleaned my dirty closet
and dusted with his tail.

He straightened out my posters
and swept my wooden floor.
My parents almost fainted
when he fixed my bedroom door.

I did not try to stop him.
He made my windows shine.
My room looked like a palace,
and my dresser smelled like pine.

He fluffed up every pillow.
He folded all my clothes.
He even cleaned my fish tank
with a toothbrush and a hose.

I thought it was amazing
to see him use a broom.
I’m glad he ate my essay
on “How to Clean My Room.”

– Darren Sardelli

What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.

How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.

What did the crow said when it saw a car coming? Cawr.

Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts

Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!

I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.

What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!

I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.

My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.

What a werewolf movie, talk about howling!

"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."

I’m super friendly with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I just don’t know why.

I bet you’re really flexible.

Happy birthday”- these two words
Are very often said
Many times and everywhere
They have been heard and read

If I use these oldish words
Believe me, that it’s true
From the bottom of my heart
They spring and just for you

(Horst Winkler)

I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.