What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
What party game do rabbits like to play?
Musical Hares!
Your love will always be up to par.
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Physics student asks to go to bathroom.
Professor asks "Liquid, Solid or Gas?"
I like you cherry much.
How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
What's the most common form of owl-on-owl violence?
Drive by hooting.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!
This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
"Life is short. Running makes it seem longer."
Baron Hansen
Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!
Can I claim your baggage?
Without you, I feel like a fragment. Incomplete.
What do you call a werewolf with no legs?
Anything you like – he can’t chase you.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
You are really talented. You should join a punk-croc band.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Luca here, I’m just going to cut to the chase and ask if you want to get a drink with me
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran my boat into yours. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
If I had a nickel for every time a woman thought I was ugly, they would find me attractive.
Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
A big black bug bit a big black bear made the big black bear bleed blood.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
Do you run track? Because you are running laps around my heart.
What kind of music do frogs listen to?
Hip hop.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
For generations every male in my family has made and passed on their dad jokes.
Guess you could call it pop culture.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
My wife came home with a bunch of spring flowers and asked where I'd like her to put them.
I said, " I'll tell you where you can plant your tulips."
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
My wife and were on the sofa and I lean in for a cuddle.
She says: "careful I'm holding a tea!"
And I say: "and I'm holding you, so I guess we're both holding letters of the alphabet"
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
"Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is a bad idea"