I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
“Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.”—Chelsea Handler
I just told my family a pun about bees.
It was so good that everyone gave me hive fives.
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
“My son is now an ‘entrepreneur.’ That’s what you’re called when you don’t have a job.” – Ted Turner
“If you fall, I’ll be there. Love, Your Mat” -Unknown
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
"There are no gardening mistakes, only experiments."
— Janet Kilburn Phillips
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
I asked a pink bird who its favourite artist was. It looked at me strangely and replied “Flamingo Starr, of course.”
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
A car company tried to make a submarine, but it kept surfacing too quickley
The crew got the Mercedes-Bends
We’re traveling winter-nationally.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
What is a crocodiles favourite dessert?
Brandy snaps.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
Who is Frosty’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt Artica!
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
What does one volcano say to the other?
I lava you!
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
“If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.”
Stan Laurel
Where do fish keep their money? In river banks.
What do you call a happy rabbit? An Hop-timist.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.