I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I’m sure it had its reasons.
What did the florist say when it was springtime?
Business is blooming!
What’s the capital of France?
The F.
If we were chromosomes, you’d be my homologous pair.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You look like a donkey,
And smell like one too.
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning." — Clint Eastwood,
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
If you think I’m hot now, wait until you see what I turn into at midnight.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Reading is a novel idea.
Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!
Girl, are you the Wuhan Corona Virus?
Because you’re taking my breath away.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
After the Moroccan scored a Hat-trick, the players gathered for the fez-off.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
“I’m a typical Capricorn. I’m hardworking, loyal, sometimes stubborn, and I don’t believe in astrology.”
— Jonah Peretti
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up? It blossoms.
How do you make holy water?
Make sure to boil the hell out of it.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
How many mathematicians does it take to change a light bulb?
One—she just gives it to three physicists, thus reducing it to a problem that’s already been solved.
Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.