Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
"You could be drinking whole [milk] if you wanted to."
- Napoleon Dynamite (2004)
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Hold me tight dear and I promise to send all my loving to you.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
There was an Old Man of the Hague,
Whose ideas were excessively vague;
He built a balloon
To examine the moon,
That deluded Old Man of the Hague.
My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
Built up some confidence to reach out…hope you don’t igNora me
Have you ever wondered if illiterate people would get the full effects of alphabet soup?
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
Why did the tiger lose at poker?
Because he was playing with a cheetah.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
Where do monkeys go to drink?
To the monkey bars.
Would you mind loaning me a quarter? I want to call my mother and tell her I just met the woman of my dreams.
It was so hot in New York City today, the mayor told the Statue of Liberty to put her arm down.
What streets do ghosts haunt? Dead ends!
I feel a bit bad for making blanket statements.....
They're my quilty pleasure
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
"If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire."
- George Carlin
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
What did the artist ask the preschooler? Can you count to pen?
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
What do you call a mosquito sitting on your spouse’s cheek?
A golden opportunity.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
You really mermaid my day.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.