Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
"I now pronounce you dumped and single. You may now kiss my ass."
How did the farmer mend his pants? With cabbage patches!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a pig?
Bacon and legs.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
Cute dog in your pics! Can I have his number?
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
Except the direction I'm walking in.
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t eat, drink, or even walk?
A computer mouse.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
What do you call an Incarcerated late night TV show host?
Jimmy Felon.
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
I beg your garden?
When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless knights!
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
"Parenting is basically just listening to yourself talk because nobody else is." - Unknown
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
What does a meditating egg say?
Ohmmmmmmmlet.
Why did the chicken cross the football field?
It was a fowl.
What do you get when a raven flies into a group of 18 crows?
Corvid-19.